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82nd Airborne Division To Lose Famed ‘Airborne’ Status

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The nation’s premier Airborne infantry division, the 82nd Airborne, will lose its hallowed airborne status in the next fiscal year, Army officials announced Thursday.

Reasons for the change include the high cost of maintenance and fuel in the face of looming budget cuts, and the higher-than-average injury and fatality rate for soldiers conducting training jumps, according to a statement from U.S. Army Forces Command.

“As much as it helps esprit de corps and a sense of unit pride,” said Army spokesperson Col. Mike Mulally, “It hurts in terms of readiness, injuries and the bottom line. The time spent on jumps could be used for more relevant training. We would save over $4 million a year in facility and equipment upkeep.”

“And let’s not forget,” Mulally added, “The awful fatality incidents we suffer about once a year. Every time the general has to give another flag to a wife or mother whose soldiers were lost on a training jump, we have to ask ourselves: Why are we training on an insertion technique that hasn’t been relevant in over fifty years?

As expected, the announcement caused much consternation among former and current 82nd Airborne veterans.

“This is a horseshit,” said 1st Lt. Jeremy Dallas, a paratrooper and former Airborne School instructor. “Back before I went to OCS, I did a combat jump with the 173rd into Bashur during the initial invasion. FORSCOM doesn’t think that airborne training is relevant? What do they think that jump was? A Hollywood?”

Noting that the airfield had been secured hours earlier than the Bashur assault, Pakistani Gen. Abdul Mansour al-Islamabadi told reporters the “Americans missed their drop zone so badly that it took them fifteen hours to reassemble. And let’s not forget that the 173rd almost caused an international incident when they mistook some of our Turkish allies for Iraqis. They arrested and beat the shit out of them, even though they were wearing Turkish army uniforms. Because I guess all us brown people look alike.”

“But sure, whatever, call it a combat jump, I don’t care,” he added.

The 82nd Airborne Division will immediately cease all airborne training, and at the end of the 2014 fiscal year will officially cease to be an Airborne unit. It will retain the “Airborne” designation in its unit title, but much like the 101st Division, will not be a real airborne unit any longer.

The 173rd Airborne Brigade, stationed in Vicenza, Italy, will remain on Airborne status for the next fiscal year, although anonymous sources in the Pentagon confirmed that it too will soon revert to leg infantry.

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[…] Airborne Division– of which I was once a proud member– is about to lose its airborne status… 82nd Airborne Division To Lose Famed 'Airborne' Status The brass said that the reasons for the demise of an airborne division was due to "budget […]

Raymond Weaver
It is a well established tactic for sinister forces to cry wolf, by putting out a hoax like this. I have only heard the report. I have not verified it. While it sounds believable, and typical, my prayer is that it is really a hoax. The GREAT tactical advantage of an airborne division is that it can be deployed and ready to fight in thirty minutes, from the green light (first jumper). It takes 18 hours to load the jumpers and equipment; another 12 hours to fly to the furthest point on earth (west of Australia). Obviously, most of earth… Read more »
Gary Cravener


Larry Holt

Now don’t you feel like a dumbass! You don’t have the intelligence to know the difference between a humor site and actual news, ha ha.

Bill DuRose
Putin has really got to love these Obama appointees ! These new commanders appointed by General Osama bin Obama are the new boy scouts of America. Pink too too’s in the field etc. They are a disgrace and an Embarrassment to our dedicated Soldiers. I’m not Suprise to see our Soldiers quit the new boy scouts ! Soon our Military Forces will be demoralized and under trained and equipped sufficently for Putin first Strike. Better to be in a Malica than the new boy scouts ! That’s why Putin has been consistently increasing his probing of NATO AIRSPACE ! He’s… Read more »

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