THE PENTAGON — Telling reporters on Monday that “we owe it to our people,” Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel mentioned a number of items the Pentagon is considering banning to improve wellness across the force, to include tobacco products, energy drinks and combat operations.
“The military’s health care costs attributable to just combat operations are astounding,” Hagel said, rubbing his eyes since he didn’t get the recommended eight hours of sleep last night. “I think we need to take a look at these wars and take into account all the money being spent.”
A memo sent from Hagel's office to all military installations instructed commanders to begin eliminating tobacco sales, which it noted could have the effect of lowering costs of lung and mouth cancer while raising costs associated with mental health. It also instructed all deployed units to begin studying the health effects of combat operations.
"From our preliminary studies, we've found that invasions, police actions, or any kind of combat-related activity is really unhealthy," Hagel told reporters, taking a momentary pause to kick back a shot of Maker's Mark. "I mean, you could get shot at or stabbed in a combat zone. For heavens' sake, they're blowing people up with bombs!"
Other items the Pentagon may prohibit include trans fats, cell phones in government buildings, loud headphones, contact sports, sodas larger than 16 ounces, and motorcycles.
After washing down a Double Whopper with Cheese with an extra-large chocolate milkshake, Hagel explained to reporters that he hadn't eaten all night while working on the new policy. "Hey can I get a shot of Bailey's or Kahlua or something in this?" Hagel said, waving over a nearby aide.
While the defense secretary is confident the proposed regulations would eventually pass, there were some dissenters within the ranks, to include Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Micheal Barrett.
"What we do for a living is inherently dangerous," Barrett told Duffel Blog, while putting a massive pinch of Copenhagen in his lower lip and muttering something about 'Pentagon pogues.' "I signed up to go to combat. I don't care if it's unhealthy."
"And I'll give you my Cope tin lid when you pry it from my cold, dead hands," Barrett added.
At press time, a visibly-intoxicated Hagel was seen leaving the Pentagon on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle without wearing a helmet or reflective vest. A spokesperson later told reporters he was headed to a construction site to operate heavy machinery for "shits and giggles."