FORT BRAGG, N.C. — An intelligence analyst who lost his leg in Afghanistan excitedly told reporters on Friday that having an artificial leg was just as cool as he always thought it would be.
“I have like, three different legs now,” said Pvt. Marcus Waltrip, an intelligence analyst with the 82nd Airborne. “One for walking, one for climbing, and one for running. I’m basically the lovechild of the Million-Dollar Man and Inspector fucking-Gadget.”
Waltrip, who lost his leg in Afghanistan after stepping on unexploded ordnance near the burn-pit of his base last year, said he was initially upset that he was in the hospital as just another wounded soldier.
“I was pretty depressed. But that’s when I found out I’d be getting a prosthetic leg. I mean, I’d always wanted one, ever since I was a little kid. But who would have ever thought I’d actually get one? It was like Christmas.”
Hoisting his gleaming new leg in the air and waving it around like a sword, the soldier went on to describe others with similar experiences.
“Most guys with prosthetics fucking love them. We have an SF kid with a fiberglass leg who just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. He loves showing off his peg and all the different attachments. That lucky bastard has a foot for cycling, a bow for jogging, and a hydraulic leg for distance hiking.”
While Waltrip has the standard prosthetic leg attachments given to him by the hospital, he’s been thumbing through catalogs for something more high-tech.
“What I really want is a chainsaw for my arm, you know, like Army of Darkness?” Waltrip told reporters. “But my bleeding-heart liberal doctor said it would be unethical to just hack my arm off. Bunch of bullshit if you ask me.”
At press time, Waltrip was seen fashioning a 14-inch PVC pipe into something he called ‘the Penetroder’ for future body modification.