Puerto Rican In Your Platoon Tired Of Your Questions About Cinco De Mayo

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Specialist Ted Ortega, a grenadier in your platoon’s third squad, is already tired of answering questions about Cinco de Mayo, sources confirmed moments ago.

Ortega, 22, is a native of Connecticut, but his grandparents immigrated to New York in the 1950s.

“These fucking guys, they don’t get that I’m not even from Mexico. They see skin the color of a half-caf skinny latte and a name tape that ends in a vowel and they assume Mexican,” Ortega reportedly told your battle buddy about an hour ago. “What really hacks me off about it is I’ve told them like a thousand times, sure, my dad’s side is from Puerto Rico, but my mom’s German-Irish. They met at fucking UConn.”

“I don’t even have anything like an accent,” he added.

Ortega later told your squad leader that no, Cinco de Mayo is not “Mexican independence day,” but rather the celebration of the anniversary of the victory of the Mexican army over French forces at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Still, despite his Puerto Rican heritage, Ortega has studied up on Mexican history and culture. “It’s not even the most important Mexican national holiday,” he said. “It’s barely celebrated outside of Puebla. It’s just an excuse for whitey to get wasted and wear comedic sombreros.”

The platoon is already making plans to celebrate after final formation, Ortega noted.

“I’ll definitely be getting it on tonight, anyway,” he said. “Most of us are gonna go to Mi Casita and find some stupid white girls. Obviously, they’re going to assume I’m Mexican. That’s just a fake accent away. I’m pretty sure we can get Amir [abu-Said] laid. But Petey [Distefano] is gonna be a harder sell.”