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General You Don’t Give A Shit About Needs No Introduction But I’ll Give One Anyway

QUANTICO, Va. — Some random general no one even gives two shits about really needs no introduction but I’m going to give a long one anyway, says a sergeant major who needs to stop speaking for the love of God.

“I am extremely honored to be able to introduce our next guest, who has served our country for over 40 years,” the sergeant major said, as you stared off into the clouds and thought of how great it would be if you could be in your barracks room masturbating right now.

“He really needs no introduction,” continued the sergeant major, before negating his previous statement by going over the highlights of his career for about 17 goddamn hours as the sun blazed overhead.

Sources confirmed the general served in a combat zone somewhere at one point, commanded some shitty battalion you luckily never had to serve in, and also said something really famous in the run-up to the Iraq war that you really can’t remember, because really, who even gives a shit?

In hour 13 of his introduction, the sergeant major — in between spitting in a bottle and saying “Oohrah” in a questioning fashion — noted that he and the general once served together in some shithole in Iraq, as if anyone in this formation fucking cares.

“Gentlemen,” the sergeant major said. “It is my great pleasure to introduce Gen. Jim Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps.”

Sources confirmed the audience dutifully clapped and listened intently as the general spoke, at one point mentioning the Navy-Marine Corps team concept as “one team, one fight” while you daydreamed of beating the shit out of some sailors in Alexandria.

At press time, you were considering locking your knees in order to pass out, just to break the monotony.

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Clifford Dayton

This piece was a bit lame. Maybe the intro was a bit long but we are talking about the Commandant of the Marine Corps. Try to show a little respect.

Alberic Olarig

Had one Marine passed out in front of me during the Regimental change command ceremony. I dragged him to the rear of the formation, loosened his blouse. That guy was dazed, and I got pulled back into formation by a SNCO. The families’ faces was priceless. I thought I got to skate out of it to help a fellow Marine out.. nope.

John McAllister

Worst formation / parade I was ever part of was FMF Atlantic Change of Command that for some ungodly reason they decided to hold at LeJeune even though the command is stationed in Norfolk. It was HUGE!!! We had about a week to learn how to march eight abreast because there were so many units in the formation it was the only way to fit them all on the parade field for the pass in review. It went on forever. And from our perspective, they really were some Generals we didn’t give a shit about.

Steve Wilson

“while you daydreamed of beating the shit out of some sailors in Alexandria”. Priceless.

Mike Guilmette

Of course, there was always that one jackass in the third row who would ASK A FUCKING QUESTION!


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