QUANTICO, Va. — Some random general no one even gives two shits about really needs no introduction but I’m going to give a long one anyway, says a sergeant major who needs to stop speaking for the love of God.
“I am extremely honored to be able to introduce our next guest, who has served our country for over 40 years,” the sergeant major said, as you stared off into the clouds and thought of how great it would be if you could be in your barracks room masturbating right now.
“He really needs no introduction,” continued the sergeant major, before negating his previous statement by going over the highlights of his career for about 17 goddamn hours as the sun blazed overhead.
Sources confirmed the general served in a combat zone somewhere at one point, commanded some shitty battalion you luckily never had to serve in, and also said something really famous in the run-up to the Iraq war that you really can’t remember, because really, who even gives a shit?
In hour 13 of his introduction, the sergeant major — in between spitting in a bottle and saying “Oohrah” in a questioning fashion — noted that he and the general once served together in some shithole in Iraq, as if anyone in this formation fucking cares.
“Gentlemen,” the sergeant major said. “It is my great pleasure to introduce Gen. Jim Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps.”
Sources confirmed the audience dutifully clapped and listened intently as the general spoke, at one point mentioning the Navy-Marine Corps team concept as “one team, one fight” while you daydreamed of beating the shit out of some sailors in Alexandria.
At press time, you were considering locking your knees in order to pass out, just to break the monotony.