‘You’re Going The Wrong Way Asshole,’ Land Nav Course Says

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FORT LEE, Va. — A land navigation course became considerably irate and began berating and leading students astray after multiple soldiers attending the Logistics Basic Officer Leadership Course at Fort Lee failed to find their assigned points, Duffel Blog has learned.

“I first became a little peeved after one of the stupid lieutenants failed to heed of the portion within FM 3-25.26 (Map Reading and Land Navigation), Chapter 11 that states, ‘A map is oriented when it is in a horizontal position with its north and south corresponding to the north and south on the ground,'” the course told reporters. “I knew he was doomed from the get-go when he abandoned his compass and declared confidently, ‘The sun rises in the north!'”

The course went on to describe other occasions in which students would utilize the compass to cheek method backwards, plot azimuths that include walking 400 meters down the middle of a road not even on the course, and “some of the ‘high speeds'” would incorrectly use Ranger Beads as a means to “make a Hansel and Gretel-esque bread trail,” the course said.

For the course, the straw that broke the camels back was when Lt. Pertinax Puer insisted he had to climb up and over a 50-foot cedar tree to avoid losing his pace count.

Puer, who at the time felt accomplished by the feat, noted that the course started to adversely affect his pace count.

“It wouldn’t shut up, as I was counting it started shouting out ‘3, 1, 4, 1, 5, 9, 2, 6, 5, 3, 5, 9 … ‘ I couldn’t take it anymore and just had to give in and sit down.”

Others were less fortunate. “I’ll admit, I was lost. Hell on a good day I can barely tell my left from right let alone North, South, East, and West,” said Lt. Alex Meechum.

“I was sitting there trying to figure out this projector thing the Army gave me, when the course started belittling me. ‘What in the hell are you doing? Those are mils dumbass, here in these parts we use degrees.’ The course then reassured me it would guide me to my point but as I was looking at my map and walking, I fell down a ten foot drop-off. The damn course started laughing at me saying ‘Guess you didn’t figure out that contour lines that are close together spell C-L-I-F-F.'”

Cadre eventually had to end the exercise after the course threatened the rest of the students with non-existent bears, ninjas, and physical training.