ANNAPOLIS, Md. — The U.S. Naval Academy held its graduation ceremony Friday morning, commissioning the newest class of weirdos into the ranks of the Navy and Marine Corps.
“I am pleased to send so many fine young officers to the fleet,” said Capt. Jim Cunha during the commencement ceremony, noting that the academy had spent the past four years transforming students from raw 18-year-olds to creepy 22-year-olds. “Now the Navy and Marine Corps will reap the fruits of our labor. They are excited to be getting officers who will stand motionless on the field during a softball game, get in the way of people trying to pass them during runs, and refuse to clean their own racks.”
“2nd Lieutenant John ‘Muddy’ Waters is our valedictorian,” Capt. Cunha said. “Funny story about him, once a girl smiled at him. Lt. Waters stood outside the female barracks for eight hours hoping to get a glimpse of her through the windows. That’s the kind of discipline it takes to be a leader of Marines.”
Soon after the ceremony, the Navy and Marine Corps will gain its next generation of awkward ensigns and second lieutenants who also happen to not have any idea what they’re doing.
One new graduate, Ensign Doug Hernandez, enjoys pulling the legs off of spiders and pouring salt on slugs. While he says he can’t wait to lead men in battle, he’s certain his men will be inspired by his unwavering patriotism and devotion to duty.
“I went without an iPod or sex for a year,” Hernandez told reporters. “Some people thought it was stupid but I knew it was to protect my family and defend our freedoms.”
“I hope you all go on to become high-ranking officers,” Capt. Cunha said in his address. “And I know that won’t be hard. Throughout your career you’ll be promoted over more capable officers because you went to the Academy. But never forget about your enlisted sailors and Marines, and how they should be viewed as subhuman beings.”
Students at the Naval Academy spend four years in college and spend three weeks every summer on Navy ships or with Marine units for training. According to sources, female midshipmen learn everyone in the fleet wants to have sex with them during these events.