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REPORT: Ukraine Menaced By Large Threatening Arrows

KIEV, Ukraine – Ukraine’s acting president Oleksandr Turchynov has put out an international call for assistance after his nation came under threat from what he described as a group of large hostile arrows.

“We have received reports from border posts of many arrows of varying sizes moving towards Ukraine,” Turchynov said in a panicked phone call. “They are coming by land, sea, the air! There is no stopping them!”

According to Turchynov, the arrows are pointing across the Ukrainian border and are poised to push deep into the country’s vulnerable heartland.

No one knows what the strength, composition, or even demands of the arrows are. Turchynov described the arrows as various shades of red and said they had been lurking along Ukraine’s eastern border for years, disguised as circles and squares and other innocent little shapes.

Turchynov said Ukraine’s badly depleted arsenal of smaller arrows was already moving in full retreat away from the big arrows and has asked NATO and neighboring countries to lend any geometric shapes they can spare.

In response, NATO head Anders Rasmussen said the alliance would be sending a group of smaller, highly-mobile blue arrows into western Ukraine and other neighboring countries, to guard various strategically important stars, dots and squiggly lines.

Turchynov added he has warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, since any arrows that threaten Ukraine can just as easily threaten Russia. Putin allegedly responded that Russia is aware of the arrows, but claimed they are actually disgruntled Ukrainian arrows which merely want to point away from Russia.

U.S. President Barack Obama has also vowed to draw a red line on the crisis in support of Ukraine, prompting Turchynov to go into a state of panic until his advisers assured him that it was a just a harmless red line segment.

Based on the pattern of red and blue arrows, Ukrainian intelligence has not ruled out a third group of arrows, either yellow or some sort of purplish hue, coming from the south.

Ukraine Russia Arrows

Artist’s Conception

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[…] is still under threat by large, menacing arrows … […]

Geg Gord

Thank god it is static arrows, at least its not animated power point slides. If so, I would worry about the zombie apocalypse beginning. But that’s ok since the Army trained for Zombies last year…… and the Air Forced discussed defeating defeating Godzirra we are covered.

Dan Widge

OH my gosh. I’ve seen these arrows before. They are often used by officers on the battle field maps….they are deadly if done by a new 2nd LT. People will get lost and suffer lack of sleep, food and will have to dig latrines.

Joseph Diamond

I was stationed on the edge of an eraser strike. It was awful! First….during the ominous music….the erasers hit the red lines. They vanishes. Then nothing! Silence filled the area.
As we settled in we observed the damage the erasers had done. We heard the strike of pointers somewhere else. Later we heard marches and cheering crowds. Nobody ever told up it was over.
The red arrows never came back.


Douglas Nelson Stevenson

Everything is fine. There is no panicked, screaming mob flailing its way down a street dropping a crying baby on the center line to be picked up by a hot looking young lady who slowly looks up and up then screams and screams as a shadow comes over her. That’s when you got the troubles.


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