REPORT: Ukraine Menaced By Large Threatening Arrows

Sponsored by GovX, which offers deep military discounts on gear, apparel & events – so you can save your money for the important things, like Ripits and tattoos.

KIEV, Ukraine – Ukraine’s acting president Oleksandr Turchynov has put out an international call for assistance after his nation came under threat from what he described as a group of large hostile arrows.

“We have received reports from border posts of many arrows of varying sizes moving towards Ukraine,” Turchynov said in a panicked phone call. “They are coming by land, sea, the air! There is no stopping them!”

According to Turchynov, the arrows are pointing across the Ukrainian border and are poised to push deep into the country’s vulnerable heartland.

No one knows what the strength, composition, or even demands of the arrows are. Turchynov described the arrows as various shades of red and said they had been lurking along Ukraine’s eastern border for years, disguised as circles and squares and other innocent little shapes.

Turchynov said Ukraine’s badly depleted arsenal of smaller arrows was already moving in full retreat away from the big arrows and has asked NATO and neighboring countries to lend any geometric shapes they can spare.

In response, NATO head Anders Rasmussen said the alliance would be sending a group of smaller, highly-mobile blue arrows into western Ukraine and other neighboring countries, to guard various strategically important stars, dots and squiggly lines.

Turchynov added he has warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, since any arrows that threaten Ukraine can just as easily threaten Russia. Putin allegedly responded that Russia is aware of the arrows, but claimed they are actually disgruntled Ukrainian arrows which merely want to point away from Russia.

U.S. President Barack Obama has also vowed to draw a red line on the crisis in support of Ukraine, prompting Turchynov to go into a state of panic until his advisers assured him that it was a just a harmless red line segment.

Based on the pattern of red and blue arrows, Ukrainian intelligence has not ruled out a third group of arrows, either yellow or some sort of purplish hue, coming from the south.

Ukraine Russia Arrows
Artist’s Conception

Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.

garbage island

Pacific Fleet Claims Garbage Island As US Territory

warrior leader course

Army NCOs Told To ‘Check Their Privilege’