NAVAL STATION NORFOLK — Lt. Cmdr. Jim Holmes has seen thousands of patients as a Navy doctor, and cured hundreds. His secret? Motrin, available generically as ibuprofen, and known by service members the world over as Vitamin M. “I’ve cured all sorts of diseases with Motrin: Menstrual cramps, backaches, amputations, that Exorcist thing where a person starts shaking all crazy … You name it, I’ve treated it,” he said. So when a 22-year-old Sailor came into his office complaining of nausea and exhaustion, Holmes immediately diagnosed him with malignant melanoma and started him on an intense course of ibuprofen, 9000 mg of Motrin a day. “That’s four times the maximum recommended dosage,” said Holmes, a ground-breaking medical practitioner who is fully-licensed. “You really need to get that medicine deep in there.” The sailor initially experienced serious intestinal bleeding, but within three weeks, he was no longer complaining about the nausea or the exhaustion that brought him to the doctor’s office in the first place. Dr. Holmes concluded that the Motrin regimen had cured the young sailor of skin cancer, and published his findings in The American Journal of Cancer Research, in which he wrote, “treatments consisting entirely of extremely high doses of ibuprofen showed reduction of cell viability and colony reduction of cancer cells.” While his study still under peer review, Dr. Holmes is rumored to be in contention for the Nobel Prize in Medicine. Asked what he thought about his potential nomination, Holmes remained humble. At press time, he had updated his Facebook status to say “I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did just cure cancer.” Robert Scott says: July 2, 2014 at 6:13 AM ha ha funny. Brian Tucker says: June 30, 2014 at 4:14 PM But did it cure that head spinning thing associated with demonic possession? I’m pretty sure that’s what triggers my migraines! Coty Edge says: June 30, 2014 at 4:28 AM Fuck, I’m allergic to Motrin….. Buddy Gillespie says: June 30, 2014 at 3:58 AM Outpatient care involves a strict regimen of drinking water combined with frequent sock changes. Josh Noble says: June 29, 2014 at 6:28 PM I had a subdural hematoma cured by new socks and lots of water. Navy doctors are know witchcraft or something. John Vezina says: June 29, 2014 at 4:28 PM I had a heart attack while on active duty and at first I was told i needed to drink more water and was handed motrin…. Paul G Flores says: June 29, 2014 at 4:59 AM Ha, I remember that.- “I’m delirious with fever, and coughing up a lung.” “here, have some motrin.” Spencer Rolfe says: June 29, 2014 at 12:58 AM Anyone who took this seriously. Please, it’s a joke, the name alone is a joke, it’s a fake funny story. Jack B. Westbrook says: June 28, 2014 at 11:29 PM Too bad it’s not 9000 mg of vitamin H. Joyce Fiedler says: June 28, 2014 at 9:28 PM This is one of the dumbest things I have ever read on Facebook Georg Scheffer says: June 28, 2014 at 7:29 PM Sounds like another government-sponsored health cure instead of the real cures that have been neglected by most pill-pushers (sorry, “doctors”) and their billion-dollar-corporatist pharmaceutical companies. Of course he will receive the Nobel price, just like Obama did for his version of “peace”… Ruslan Prokopenko says: June 28, 2014 at 2:14 PM Oh, your arm is broken? DRINK MORE WATER Cathern Riggs says: June 28, 2014 at 10:58 AM something about diagnosing nausea IMMEDIATELY as malignant melanoma ….. completely takes away the WOW factor—— it would be easy to ‘cure’ cancer if it did not exist in the first place—– SORRY Ron Ross says: June 28, 2014 at 10:28 AM I see some getting it, and many not. LOL I’m not about to explain it, to fun to read the DUHH statements. Jay Shartzer says: June 28, 2014 at 10:13 AM This doctor obviously doesn’t know what he is talking about. It’s too early to conclude the pharmacodynamics without also considering the effect of a fresh pair of socks. John Ceallach says: June 28, 2014 at 10:13 AM What would be even more funny is the headline that the Navy Medical program was shut down after Motrin was pulled from shelves. Navy Docs were seen wandering around aimlessly only advising to change socks and drink water over and over again. (Former Doc,HM2) Gary Leverich says: June 28, 2014 at 10:13 AM You can’t tell me the doctor JUST prescribed Motrin. If he did it’s groundbreaking for sure because I could never enter sick bay without leaving with a bottle of Motrin and a slip of paper containing the BRAT diet instructions. Perfect for syphillitic hemorrhoids that you came down with after a night in Olongapo. David Dudley says: June 28, 2014 at 9:43 AM LMAO! Don’t forget to drink lots of water! Col Steve S says: June 28, 2014 at 9:43 AM Patient died from internal bleeding, but his cancer was cured. Doug Ragan says: June 28, 2014 at 8:28 AM I think anyone who ever had to see a Navy doc will understand this one. Hank Rocknroll Warhammer says: June 28, 2014 at 6:28 AM Fuckin vitamin M. John Sehler says: June 28, 2014 at 6:28 AM I know three GI”s that cured the “Clap’ with Motin. Bryan Lethcoe says: June 28, 2014 at 6:28 AM I’m guessing it was the right combination of Motrin and foot powder that did the trick!