Photo Credit: Kevin Harber/FlickrFat, Lazy Fuck Makes Bed Epic Blunder June 12, 2014 Navy 7 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: USS GRIDLEY (DDG-101) – Citing a genuine desire to go above and beyond, sources confirmed today that Information Systems Technician 3rd Class Brett Pope woke up this morning fifteen minutes before morning quarters and in a shocking turn of events, made his rack. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” stuttered fellow Petty Officer 3rd Class Carl Hughey, still visibly reeling. “[Pope] usually stumbles out of his rack five minutes before quarters and straggles in at the last possible minute. He never shaves or brushes his teeth, let alone makes his rack.” True to form, Pope did not shave or brush his teeth this morning, but the reformed sailor steadfastly affirmed that the seemingly insignificant task of tightening his bed sheets and fluffing his pillow denotes a significant milestone in his naval career. Drawing inspiration from Adm. William McRaven’s commencement address at the University of Texas about two weeks ago, Pope reportedly has a noticeable pep in his step, and carries his chins with elevated pride. “Sure, I’m dink [delinquent] in just about every qualification that would make me a valuable asset to the workplace and alleviate the stress my colleagues endure as a result of my failure to contribute anything meaningful to my shop – or society as a whole, for that matter,” Pope said. “But I think we’re all forgetting the big picture here,” he continued, attempting to bounce a quarter off of his sheets for emphasis, with no success. While several of Pope’s coworkers curiously wait to behold his full potential, others are stoically unimpressed. “Frankly, I’d be happy if he just showered more than once a week,” said Pope’s supervisor, Petty Officer 1st Class Eric Slater. “If there’s one smell worse than pickled ball-sweat and fungus feet, it’s fat people funk. It’s like a pepperoni fart emitted from an unbleached asshole in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Goddamn, do I hate fat people funk.” “There’s really nothing that impressive about making your bed in the first place,” added Seaman Zach Miller. “Nobody sleeps under their sheets. Hell, no one even uses the itchy, wool blanket we’re issued. I use a sleeping bag, which practically makes me a Navy SEAL.” Marcus Wilbanks says: August 11, 2014 at 11:43 AM As a retired RMCS who left the Navy just as RM’s were being converted to IT’s I would be willing to bet things haven’t changed much. Every division had a fat fuck who always got your divisions berthing compartment on the XO’s shit list. Ryan MeanAstronaut Gibson says: July 30, 2014 at 12:44 PM Engineering Berthing was the worst. I was an IT and had to go down there a couple of times. 10x worse than anything I’ve ever smelled before. Ever. Kerry Hooks says: June 21, 2014 at 11:59 PM HAHAHAHA Funny.. I had a sleeping bag too! HATED those wool blankets!! Kerry Hooks says: June 21, 2014 at 11:59 PM And you think the GUYS stink? Take a whiff of female berthing… I had to order some of the deck apes and snipes to medical for what was wafting from their bodies! Nigh Le says: June 13, 2014 at 7:44 AM The itchy, wool blankets were also issue to prisoners. However, they are phased out because prisoners make weapon out of them somehow. Michael Philip Masters says: June 13, 2014 at 6:28 AM As an IT, I find this extremely hilarious. I know guys just like this. Duffle blog, psssh, I thought you posted jokes, not true stories. ;P “I use a sleeping bag, which practically makes me a Navy SEAL.” <- HAHA Hooyah shipmate. *rolls eyes* Daniel Durbin says: June 12, 2014 at 12:45 PM The best part about not being in the Navy? Not having to deal with the last line in this article.