Fat, Lazy Fuck Makes Bed
USS GRIDLEY (DDG-101) – Citing a genuine desire to go above and beyond, sources confirmed today that Information Systems Technician 3rd Class Brett Pope woke up this morning fifteen minutes before morning quarters and in a shocking turn of events, made his rack.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stuttered fellow Petty Officer 3rd Class Carl Hughey, still visibly reeling. “[Pope] usually stumbles out of his rack five minutes before quarters and straggles in at the last possible minute. He never shaves or brushes his teeth, let alone makes his rack.”
True to form, Pope did not shave or brush his teeth this morning, but the reformed sailor steadfastly affirmed that the seemingly insignificant task of tightening his bed sheets and fluffing his pillow denotes a significant milestone in his naval career. Drawing inspiration from Adm. William McRaven’s commencement address at the University of Texas about two weeks ago, Pope reportedly has a noticeable pep in his step, and carries his chins with elevated pride.
“Sure, I’m dink [delinquent] in just about every qualification that would make me a valuable asset to the workplace and alleviate the stress my colleagues endure as a result of my failure to contribute anything meaningful to my shop – or society as a whole, for that matter,” Pope said.
“But I think we’re all forgetting the big picture here,” he continued, attempting to bounce a quarter off of his sheets for emphasis, with no success.
While several of Pope’s coworkers curiously wait to behold his full potential, others are stoically unimpressed.
“Frankly, I’d be happy if he just showered more than once a week,” said Pope’s supervisor, Petty Officer 1st Class Eric Slater. “If there’s one smell worse than pickled ball-sweat and fungus feet, it’s fat people funk. It’s like a pepperoni fart emitted from an unbleached asshole in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Goddamn, do I hate fat people funk.”
“There’s really nothing that impressive about making your bed in the first place,” added Seaman Zach Miller. “Nobody sleeps under their sheets. Hell, no one even uses the itchy, wool blanket we’re issued. I use a sleeping bag, which practically makes me a Navy SEAL.”