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Fat, Lazy Fuck Makes Bed

USS GRIDLEY (DDG-101) – Citing a genuine desire to go above and beyond, sources confirmed today that Information Systems Technician 3rd Class Brett Pope woke up this morning fifteen minutes before morning quarters and in a shocking turn of events, made his rack.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” stuttered fellow Petty Officer 3rd Class Carl Hughey, still visibly reeling. “[Pope] usually stumbles out of his rack five minutes before quarters and straggles in at the last possible minute. He never shaves or brushes his teeth, let alone makes his rack.”

True to form, Pope did not shave or brush his teeth this morning, but the reformed sailor steadfastly affirmed that the seemingly insignificant task of tightening his bed sheets and fluffing his pillow denotes a significant milestone in his naval career. Drawing inspiration from Adm. William McRaven’s commencement address at the University of Texas about two weeks ago, Pope reportedly has a noticeable pep in his step, and carries his chins with elevated pride.

“Sure, I’m dink [delinquent] in just about every qualification that would make me a valuable asset to the workplace and alleviate the stress my colleagues endure as a result of my failure to contribute anything meaningful to my shop – or society as a whole, for that matter,” Pope said.

“But I think we’re all forgetting the big picture here,” he continued, attempting to bounce a quarter off of his sheets for emphasis, with no success.

While several of Pope’s coworkers curiously wait to behold his full potential, others are stoically unimpressed.

“Frankly, I’d be happy if he just showered more than once a week,” said Pope’s supervisor, Petty Officer 1st Class Eric Slater. “If there’s one smell worse than pickled ball-sweat and fungus feet, it’s fat people funk. It’s like a pepperoni fart emitted from an unbleached asshole in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Goddamn, do I hate fat people funk.”

“There’s really nothing that impressive about making your bed in the first place,” added Seaman Zach Miller. “Nobody sleeps under their sheets. Hell, no one even uses the itchy, wool blanket we’re issued. I use a sleeping bag, which practically makes me a Navy SEAL.”

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Marcus Wilbanks

As a retired RMCS who left the Navy just as RM’s were being converted to IT’s I would be willing to bet things haven’t changed much. Every division had a fat fuck who always got your divisions berthing compartment on the XO’s shit list.

Ryan MeanAstronaut Gibson

Engineering Berthing was the worst. I was an IT and had to go down there a couple of times. 10x worse than anything I’ve ever smelled before. Ever.

Kerry Hooks

And you think the GUYS stink? Take a whiff of female berthing… I had to order some of the deck apes and snipes to medical for what was wafting from their bodies!

Kerry Hooks

HAHAHAHA Funny.. I had a sleeping bag too! HATED those wool blankets!!

Nigh Le

The itchy, wool blankets were also issue to prisoners. However, they are phased out because prisoners make weapon out of them somehow.


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