Unorthodox Iraqi General Considers Fighting The Enemy

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BAGHDAD, Iraq — Desperate to stem the tide of ISIS militants overrunning the country, an Iraqi general has put forth a radical proposal of telling his soldiers and fellow officers they should try to defend themselves, and — most shockingly — in some instances, actually counterattack, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We have a quarter of a million troops, while ISIS only has 7,000,” Brig. Gen. Haddad said, trying to plead his case. “We also have tanks, artillery, and air power while they do not. We can put 35 soldiers up to every one of theirs. We would win a crushing victory even with just a half-assed plan of attack.”


While making an interesting case, Brig. Gen. Gabar Haddad has come up against stiff resistance from his fellow generals, who prefer to keep surrendering until American troops come in and fight for them. His suggestion flies in the face of the Iraqi Army's established doctrine of Flee, Surrender, or Do Both.

“Fight back?” Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki asked amidst shock and laughter. “That’s a good one! We haven’t done that since 1988!”

The numerically-superior Iraqi Army was defeated in Mosul, the country's second-largest city, in what one general said would be remembered as "a glorious moment for Iraq."

For now, the strategy of the Iraqi Army is to follow established doctrine of stripping off their uniforms and fleeing in terror, then once the Americans return to implement counterinsurgency doctrine, Iraqi soldiers are to implement insurgency doctrine and bomb them.

“Once they defeat ISIS we will bomb them again,” Gen. Qanbar said of his "friends" the Americans. “It’ll just be like old times. So for now, any Iraqi soldier holding a weapon and wearing a uniform is in violation of a direct order. Our men will give every inch of ground until they reach the sea, and then they will swim.”

In a related story, the Kurdish Peshmerga has vowed to fight ISIS to the death, has taken ground from them, and still cannot be recognized as an actual country.

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