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Unorthodox Iraqi General Considers Fighting The Enemy

BAGHDAD, Iraq — Desperate to stem the tide of ISIS militants overrunning the country, an Iraqi general has put forth a radical proposal of telling his soldiers and fellow officers they should try to defend themselves, and — most shockingly — in some instances, actually counterattack, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We have a quarter of a million troops, while ISIS only has 7,000,” Brig. Gen. Haddad said, trying to plead his case. “We also have tanks, artillery, and air power while they do not. We can put 35 soldiers up to every one of theirs. We would win a crushing victory even with just a half-assed plan of attack.”

While making an interesting case, Brig. Gen. Gabar Haddad has come up against stiff resistance from his fellow generals, who prefer to keep surrendering until American troops come in and fight for them. His suggestion flies in the face of the Iraqi Army’s established doctrine of Flee, Surrender, or Do Both.

“Fight back?” Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki asked amidst shock and laughter. “That’s a good one! We haven’t done that since 1988!”

The numerically-superior Iraqi Army was defeated in Mosul, the country’s second-largest city, in what one general said would be remembered as “a glorious moment for Iraq.”

For now, the strategy of the Iraqi Army is to follow established doctrine of stripping off their uniforms and fleeing in terror, then once the Americans return to implement counterinsurgency doctrine, Iraqi soldiers are to implement insurgency doctrine and bomb them.

“Once they defeat ISIS we will bomb them again,” Gen. Qanbar said of his “friends” the Americans. “It’ll just be like old times. So for now, any Iraqi soldier holding a weapon and wearing a uniform is in violation of a direct order. Our men will give every inch of ground until they reach the sea, and then they will swim.”

In a related story, the Kurdish Peshmerga has vowed to fight ISIS to the death, has taken ground from them, and still cannot be recognized as an actual country.

SEE ALSO: Listen Guys, I Have The Perfect Solution To This Iraq Thing by Donald Rumsfeld »

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Sean Patrick Gilday
2 years 2 months ago

Those damned French and Italian Army Advisors I knew that would be bad, now the Iraqis just smoke Gauloise cigarettes and sleep

Andy Watson
2 years 3 months ago

Oh my God, this must be FAKE!!! There’s no way only one General would agree to fight, are you kidding me. Do some research before you publish this garbage!!!

Ruslan Prokopenko
2 years 3 months ago

This is way too true to be satire lmao

Joseph Diamond
2 years 3 months ago

Are these the survivors of SHOCK & AWE + THE MOTHER OF ALL ROAD KILLS?

I saw the pics of the uniforms and esp boots all over the road as they (someone) changed identity. Are these things not supposed to be stowed under bunks and kept in pairs? Call China & mexico…they need more combat gear.


LLoyd Red Carroll
2 years 3 months ago

Good accurate reporting DB. Keep up the good work. ?


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