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Army Enters ‘Washington Redskins’ Debate: Massacres Team, Takes Land

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Army Cavalry

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Football’s growing controversy over the use of the name “Washington Redskins” came to a screeching halt after the U.S. Army massacred the entire team, then promptly confiscated all its land and property, sources confirmed Monday.

Elements of the 7th Cavalry Regiment, airlifted in on UH-60 Black Hawks, fast-roped into FedEx Field in the great history, tradition and legacy of that regiment, shooting down stadium security guards before turning their guns on the players and owners who were there for a routine preseason meeting.

As the troopers stormed the stadium, Redskins wide receiver Santana Moss was discussing the naming controversy with reporters, saying, “I hope the best for it because I feel like, as a Redskin–” before a Staff Sergeant shouted, “He’s a redskin! Get him!” and dropped him with a well-aimed shot to the torso.

7th Cavalry then took formal possession of FedEx Field, renaming it to Fort Freedom.

1st Cavalry Division commander Brig. Gen. Michael Bills has pronounced the operation “an outstanding success” despite some negative publicity after one of the unit’s supporting AH-64 Apache helicopters blew up a local Buffalo Wild Wings to deny food to the enemy. Bills also claimed that several widely-circulated photos, allegedly showing troopers wearing pilfered Redskins memorabilia and collectibles on their belts, were actually of volunteer militia recruited from the Dallas Cowboys.

Some human rights groups have objected to the Army’s subsequent forced prostitution of the Redskins’ cheerleader squad, but Bills explained that they need the money “so they don’t starve in their tepees come winter.” Authorities also grew concerned after a large crowd of protesting fans had to disperse following a totally unexpected outbreak of smallpox.

1st Cavalry Division commanding and deputy commanding generals mount up

Photo Credit: US Army

The 7th Cavalry has announced plans to compensate owner Dan Snyder’s grieving family with some plastic beads and a bottle of whiskey.

“On the one hand, we could have left the Redskins in place and tried to teach them the ways of modern society,” said Secretary of the Army John McHugh. “On the other hand, God created this great stadium, and it should be given to the San Francisco 49ers, who can make more productive use of it.”

McHugh has suggested the Army may expand the operation to target the normally-peaceful Kansas City Chiefs and forcibly remove them to an appropriate stadium in Oklahoma or Arizona.

None of the other services have decided whether to join the Army’s operation yet. Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos was unavailable for comment, and an aide referred us to a note on his door which read: “Gone to fight the Florida State Seminoles. Will be back when the season is over.”

The surviving Redskins are expected to launch a legal claim on their right to FedEx Field, which they have occupied since 1997, when the land was purchased via solemn treaty by businessman Jack Kent Cooke over the protests of local chief Gov. William Donald Schaeffer.

Interestingly, the land seems to have originally been owned by a corporation called Nacotchtank, which claims the land was never actually sold.

Duffel Blog writers Dark Laughter and Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this article.

SEE ALSO: Washington Redskins Look To ‘Real Warriors’ To Replace Offensive Indian Name »

Army

DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

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FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long as any employee there can remember, sources confirmed today.

“Wearing it felt weird,” Tomlinson said. “I’ve gained some weight, so I had to suck in the old gut a bit. I doubt anybody noticed.”

As at most commands and activities, DTRA policy requires military personnel to wear their uniforms regularly. However, Tomlinson chose a path that could be considered unorthodox.

“I like to look sharp, and that’s almost impossible in that ugly-ass mashup of camouflage and velcro called the Army Combat Uniform,” Tomlinson said. “So I bought some blazers from J. Crew and ditched the ACUs. The last time I wore a uniform was on Veterans Day in 2013 to get 30 percent off at Denny’s.”

“But this month I got a wild hair and decided to break out the ACUs,” Tomlinson said. “I found them in an old aviator kit bag in the basement next to the cat’s litter box. My rank badge was stuck into the family cork board, holding up the school lunch schedule and some coupons for KFC. My beret was in our son’s toy box, and how it got there is anybody’s guess. Kids!”

Personnel at DTRA showed a variety of reactions to seeing Tomlinson in uniform. Sgt. Greg Gomez, administrative NCO in Tomlinson’s division, mistook the major for a newly arriving officer.

“I scheduled him for a newcomer’s briefing and the next unit weigh-in and PT test,” Gomez said.

“It was a little odd that they scheduled me for a newcomer’s briefing, but I attended anyhow and learned a lot, like that it’s policy for military personnel to wear their uniforms weekly. Who knew?” said Tomlinson.

“If he’s going to sham out on the uniform, he should at least get a clue about style,” said Staff Sgt. Rachel Bailey. “He acts all ‘Mr. Fashion’ in his J. Crew outfits but in reality, Tommy fucking Hilfiger here can’t match a tie to a shirt to save his life.”

Wearing the uniform resulted in distinct changes in how people perceived Tomlinson and his role in DTRA activities.

“Nobody bothered me when I wore civilian clothes, said Tomlinson. “Maybe my identity was ambiguous, or people thought I was a senior warrant officer. Now that they know I’m a major, everybody keeps asking for help with their PowerPoint presentations as if I’m some kind of PowerPoint expert! Actually, I am a PowerPoint expert, so its really okay.”

Tomlinson’s return to the uniform may also have unintended consequences for other officers at DTRA headquarters.

“I thought he was your typical civilian with an over-inflated ego and a limited duty day,” Thomas Bowles, a senior executive, said. “Now I know he’s actually your typical major with an over-inflated ego. I’m going to see if we have other field grade officers masquerading as civilians. We make a lot of PowerPoint presentations here, so we need all the majors we can get.”

Departing for the day, Tomlinson said he intended to “devote some serious time” to getting rock hard abs. And finding his PT uniform.

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Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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E-4 accidentally joins actual mafia in mix-up

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JOINT BASE MCGUIRE-DIX-LAKEHURST, N.J. — In an effort to join the E-4 mafia, a local soldier has instead joined the actual mafia, sources confirmed today.

Newly-promoted Spc. Rafael Hernandez first realized something was amiss when, according to his testimony in court, he stuck a hastily-constructed shiv into the base of an old Italian man’s skull.

“This just didn’t seem to be in line with the Army Values,” Hernandez said.

Hernandez attempted to establish contact with the E-4 mafia in the traditional way, according to witness testimony. He placed an all-day appointment on his calendar, indicating that he would not be available for any additional duties. Then, Hernandez stood in front of a bathroom mirror and recited the words “I don’t know anything about that, sergeant,” three times. According to urban legend, after doing this, a specialist passes out and finds himself sleeping in the back of a vehicle in the motor pool while the lower-ranking enlisted do all his paperwork.

“I really thought it was going to be that easy,” Hernandez said. “I mean, nobody ever told me outright how you join the E-4 mafia, but I’ve heard stories. It made perfect sense to me at the time.”

Instead of passing out, however, Hernandez was met by a man in a seersucker suit who kept adjusting his tie as he looked at himself in the mirror. He wore an unbuttoned striped coat, and did not meet Hernandez’s eyes. The man asked him if he’d be willing to give an “associate” of his a “very close shave.”

“Seemed normal,” said Hernandez when asked how he felt about the approach. “I thought maybe it was one of the specialists from medical hinting that he could write me a shaving waver. I always wanted a beard.”

As it turned out, it meant slitting someone’s throat.

“Shit, I thought ‘these E-4 fuckers are hardcore,'” Hernandez said. “But alright, whatever it takes to get out of KP duty I guess.”

“Normally it starts with small tasks, favors, stuff like that,” FBI Agent Tricia Patel, head of the Newark Organized Crime Unit, explained in an interview after the trial. “But in this case Hernandez just went right for murder. It got him fast respect, and respect is the only currency these guys deal with.”

The spree that followed involved three bank heists, two more murders, and one extremely complicated case of horse theft involving swapping a prize racehorse with a Shetland pony wearing stilts. Hernandez rose through the ranks of La Cosa Nostra in mere days, catapulting himself to lieutenant of a smaller capo.

“I thought the people calling me lieutenant were being cute,” Hernandez said, “you know, because LTs don’t do any work either, right? I guess I was wrong.”

Hernandez was finally arrested not by local authorities, but by army MPs, after it was discovered that he had missed a mandatory urinalysis appointment.

“What’s funny is that I was actually peeing at the time anyway,” Hernandez said. “Just not in a cup.”

Hernandez is currently out on bail and sleeping in the back of a vehicle in the motor pool.

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Optimistic private sees burn pit as half full

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CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti – Pfc. Braddock Chase, the highest speed motivator in the 1-167th Infantry doesn’t listen to the haters and draggers and prefers to see the burn pits as half full, sources confirmed today.

“A lot of guys, you know, focus on the bad shit. I focus on how much shit,” said Chase, coughing up a suspiciously dark loogie. “Whatever, maybe the burn pits aren’t as dank as the old timers talk about, but they’re still burn pits.”

Chase, a PT stud who volunteers for every additional duty, is also known for having the best e-mail signature block in the battalion. Half full, half empty, full of diseased dead camels or just human shit, Chase is always willing to see the best in his situation.

“Chase just won’t stop,” said Sgt. Maj. Ted Hopper. “Some guys would see a bunch of cocks drawn in the port-a-shitter and only notice that there’s no balls. But not Chase. Chase would focus on all the dicks.”

When reached for comment, Chase was leading his squad patrol despite his oozing eye infection in his left eye, preferring to focus on how well his right eye was working.

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Army

Absence of assassin from future confuses ambitious company commander

Aspiring military dictator wonders why agents from the future have not been sent to stop him… yet

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Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and attempt to kill him, sources confirmed today.

“Boundless ambition? Check. Contempt for subordinates? Check. Rejection of enlightenment values combined with a burning desire to usher in a fascistic, military-style dictatorship with myself at the helm? Check, and check,” said Hawkingson. “Why haven’t I been targeted for elimination by a temporal agent desperate to stop my inevitable rise to power?”

Capt. Ben Hawkingson, a company commander with the 82nd Airborne Division, has accomplished every goal he’s set out for himself so far to date including: being promoted below zone, taking top honors at West Point, leading the scout platoon, intriguing against buddies during Ranger School resulting in their getting peered, and immediately taking command of B Co, 4/325, 3rd Brigade, 82nd ABCT upon arriving at Fort Bragg. In spite of all Hawkingson’s successes thus far, the future has yet to reach backward to stop him.

“It wasn’t until after I received a silver star for heroism in combat that I realized my true potential,” Hawkingson said. “At West Point, I knew I was destined for greatness, but everything began to fall into place for me after the award. Now, I know what I’m meant to be: leader of then newly-formed United Federation of American States. So why has no temporal agent from the future been sent to destroy me while there’s still a chance?”

Hawkingson said that he compulsively checks his rear-view mirror while driving, expecting at any moment that leather jacket-clad, sub-machine gun wielding operatives sent into the past from a dystopian future will pursue him on Kawasaki Ninjas. He keeps a loaded pistol in the glove compartment of his truck for this reason. Hawkingson also enrolled in a defensive driving course that taught him how to maintain control of a vehicle that’s being attacked by a single well-trained martial arts expert with cybernetic implants or waves of monomaniacal assailants.

“I don’t do drive-through any more,” said Hawkingson, “not since my awakening. And I try to avoid tolls, too. I’d be a sitting duck.”

While Hawkingson admitted that there are probably other threats he’s missing because the motivated and fanatical resistance his regime will inevitably provoke has yet to invent them, he tries to keep his mind open.

“Science fiction films and television programming seem convinced that the future will include directed energy weapons, and it’s already pretty easy to use drones right off the shelf,” he added. “Subversive assassins may have access to the type of technology necessary to control groups of them to rain down death from above or below. Submarine drones! Think about it.”

Another possibility, which Hawkingson considered briefly before dismissing it, is that time travel isn’t possible.

“I suppose it’s possible that at some point in the future, my bold scheme is thwarted, there is that,” he said. “My plots have never failed before of course, including when I sabotaged another platoon leader’s packet for Special Forces selection. But if I did fail, I guess there would be no need for an enterprising, aging quantum physicist to dedicate his life to vengeance after I somehow cause the death of his only beloved daughter.”

One thing is certain, according to Hawkingson.

“If they don’t kill me, in 15 to 20 years, you can expect either a presidential run from yours truly, or a no-holds barred military coup,” he said. “One way or the other. It’s happening.”

“Unless someone thinks they can stop me!” he shouted, turning to the sky.

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Command climate survey filled out in bile

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FORT BLISS, Texas – Recent command climate surveys from 28th Personnel Services Battalion have proved difficult to compile due to the high proportion that were filled out in bile, semen, and spit, sources confirmed today.

“We’re not really sure what’s going on at the 28th PSB,” said Col. Megan Smith, a spokesperson for army G1 at the Pentagon. “We weren’t able to get many data points from these poorly or incorrectly completed surveys.”

Command climate surveys have been a tool in the army since 2013 and are now usually completed online with a paper option. West Pointer Capt. Keith Konzel had the grand idea to initiate the 28th PSB’s surveys as famously hands-on. The 28th was unique in that the entire unit completed the survey without reminders and a high proportion of soldiers opted for paper surveys.

“It’s really unusual to get so much participation,” said Smith, pinching her nose above a seeping pile of climate surveys. “Soldiers often feel that they can’t be completely honest on the survey.”

The chaplain reports an unusually high number of pastoral care requests for the company, and medics have been attempting to track down a small typhoid outbreak related to a batch of surveys covered in “sick baby shits.”

At press time, G1 was close to compiling the command climate results based almost entirely on the one survey where the bubbles had been filled out to resemble a penis.

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Army Fortnite Lieutenant Goes Missing During Navigation Exercise

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FORTNITE ISLAND — A lieutenant in the Army’s eSports team was reported missing early in his training, and leaders are conducting a thorough search before a virtual storm makes rescue efforts dangerous, sourced confirmed today.

Hundreds of Soldiers have flocked to represent their service branch in popular games such as Call of Duty, League of Legends, and Fortnite since the Army’s announcement of plans to create a number of sponsored professional eSports teams

The Army recently completed its first pre-screening cycle for what will become its Fortnite team. 150 Soldiers undergo an intensive selection cycle in the hopes of earning the coveted “Fortnite Ranger” tab and a spot on the eSports roster.

Second Lt. Joshua “$n1P3$” Sykes, a recent graduate of West Point and one of the four Fortnite platoon leaders, was reported missing just a few days after the start of the selection process. Sykes and his platoon were out on a routine navigation exercise when the lieutenant took a wrong turn, according to Staff Sgt. Elizabeth “MtND3W” Hernandez, a spokesperson for the Marketing and Engagement Brigade at Fort Knox.

“$n1P3$ and his team were en route to Polar Peak from Pleasant Park. Upon arriving at Tilted Towers, the first rendezvous point, platoon sergeant Sgt. 1st Class Jason ‘D0r1To$’ Kissinger noticed that the Lt was no longer with them,” Hernandez said.

“He honestly could be anywhere,” D0r1To$ told reporters as he expressed his dissatisfaction and concern with a “Heartbroken” emoticon. “The best thing that we can do now is hope that he can manage to look at the top of his screen to see in which direction our markers are.”

The search area has been widened to include all of the spaces between Loot Lake and Paradise Palms.

“We just hope that we can get to him before the storm does,” D0r1To$ said as he rallied his team after an intense dance off to go find the missing lieutentant.

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Unit’s position given away by first sergeant’s knees

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FORT IRWIN, Calif. – Eight soldiers were notionally killed during a tactical exercise when their first sergeant gave their position away by trying to stand up from the prone position, sources confirmed today.

“We take good noise discipline very seriously there,” OPFOR commander Sgt. 1st Class Tim Nelson said. “When (1st Sgt. Anthony) Palmer stood up and attempted to take a running step, the obvious crackling sound alerted everyone in four miles and scared a deer away. We had to take the opportunity to teach them a lesson about stealth and attack.”

Palmer’s knees are graduates of the Airborne, Air Assault, and Army Ranger Schools, with deployments to Afghanistan and Kuwait.

“First sergeant’s knees are the crunchiest in the company,” said Staff Sgt. Michael Landry, a squad leader in Palmer’s company. “Mine might pop occasionally, but his sound like a Rice Krispies commercial.”

Soldiers in Palmer’s company have long been hoping that he would stop leading by example to come check on them during exercises while his knees sounded like a caveman rubbing two sticks together to make a fire. While this was the first occasion that a tactical engagement was lost due to the knees, for years, soldiers have been using knee echolocation to know exactly when to stop shamming before their caught.

When reached for comment, Palmer told the Duffel Blog he’d done more in 25 years than any of those kids and threw 800 milligram motrin at the problem.

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