To Top

WHITE HOUSE: Not Enough US Citizens In ISIS To Make Air Strikes Worthwhile

BAGHDAD, Iraq — The United States rejected a formal request for manned and unmanned air support from Iraqi Prime Minister Nour al-Maliki last month to combat militants since intelligence reports found an insufficient number of American citizens were present to justify such strikes, Duffel Blog has learned.

“It’s not that we don’t want to help,” said Gen. Robert Caslen, who was recalled from his current position as West Point Commandant to handle the discussions with Maliki due to his experience and relationship with him, from when Caslen was director of the Office of Security and Cooperation-Iraq from 2011 to 2013. “It’s just that the proper criteria have not been met by Iraq and we have to abide by those strict rules.”

Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIS), an al Qaeda-inspired terrorist group, seized Tikrit early this week and are within 100 miles of the capital city of Baghdad. This follows the fall of Mosul late last week, and Ramadi and Fallujah over the last few months.

“The President has made it clear in the past,” said Caslen, pausing to adjust the pants of his uniform — easily seven feet too long for him and gathered around his ankles as if they were designed by Prince on mescaline. “We only use targeted strikes against groups of American citizens who have not been tried or convicted of any crime. That and Pakistani weddings. And the President has binders full of targets that he will approve personally before we can greenlight a strike.”

Caslen suggested that Maliki invite Pakistanis to hold weddings and other celebratory gatherings in the immediate vicinity of rebel strongholds and units.

“We constantly have drones circling, set to auto-engage Pakistani weddings and Americans the president personally disagrees with, so we wouldn’t even need to take off our green eyeshades and press the SMITE button,” he concluded.

At press time, Maliki had extended all-expenses-paid invitations to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter to “thank them for their steadfast support of the Iraq war,” but it was unclear whether they would attend.

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Chris Savage

Fucking stupid and not funny at all.

StephanieandTravis Hawthorne

Nice try at saving face, Phil. The majority of the other posts on here are of a sarcastic nature as well. You commented on how “this isn’t the first time they’ve posted phony stories”…as if they posted anything other than fictitious comedy. You must be a supporter of “No Child Left Behind”.

StephanieandTravis Hawthorne

Phil, you are able to identify parodies but fail to pick up on when an individual is being facetious? The whole purpose of the Duffle Blog IS for parodies and military satire. That clear it up for you???

Josh Quintana

I hope Rush, Glenn and Ann accept those invites….

Phil Buonomo

This is a parody. It’s not true.


More from OPFOR