MOYOCK, N.C. — Blackwater U.S.A., a private contracting firm which protected State Department officials when it wasn’t threatening to kill them, has murdered its exemplary record of being a wonderful company only serving the best interests of the nation, sources confirmed today.
“A Blackwater employee told someone he would kill them if they started digging into their contracts,” said Norm Goldman, a military analyst at the Brookings Institution, referencing a recent article in The New York Times. “This type of thing is so sad. It really tarnishes Blackwater’s exemplary record of providing security for a reasonable price and abiding by laws in and out of war zones.
Founded by former Navy SEAL Erik Prince in 1997, Blackwater delivered a remarkable array of services to the U.S. military and others in Iraq and Afghanistan, including protective services and aviation assets, training, inflated contracts, and a masterful redirection of media attention away from the Abu Ghraib torture scandal in 2004. The company later changed its name to Blackwater Worldwide, then Xe Services, then to Academi, then finally to Fuck It, Hopefully This Name Will Stop the Lawsuits, Inc., amid increased scrutiny as four of its former employees were accused of murdering civilians in Iraq in 2007.
“It really saddens me that these patriotic men are being vilified in the news media,” said Erik Prince from his dark, evil lair located in a $3 billion cave complex approximately 300 feet below the surface of Dubai. “These guys, they don’t do it for the money. They do it for—“
“Ok, they do it for the money,” admitted Prince, who went on to begin planning contracts for Operation: Iraq Mission Creep while continuing to stroke the Siamese cat he was holding.
At press time, Blackwater had threatened to shoot Duffel Blog reporters in the face for reporting “slanderous lies about employees threatening to murder people.”