WASHINGTON — A spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security said in a press conference today that everyone in Tucson should remain calm next Wednesday, as there is absolutely nothing to worry about, “especially around 10 a.m.”
“Motorists have nothing to fear from 10 to 11 a.m. near the entrance to Davis-Monthan Air Force Base or at nearby Tucson International Airport and within a 12-15 mile radius, depending on wind direction and speed,” said Phil Carolan, spokesman for DHS.
Carolan also noted that Residents of Topeka, San Francisco, and possibly Bend, Oregon, should likewise go about their normal routines without fear or concern during the window from mid-morning through evening in Washington. “There will be no need for duct tape or plastic sheeting,” he added.
The Department suggested that there was no reason for churches and synagogues to remain open late to provide extra time for people to make their peace with their maker on Tuesday night, and urged families to continue treating each other as though things would last forever, rather than treating every moment as precious.
“We’re actually quite confident that everything will be just super duper.”
Finally, Carolan told reporters that DHS would not be pre-positioning a nuclear, biological, chemical (NBC) response team in Phoenix, “Because why? There’s no need.”
Carolan concluded the upbeat report by insisting reporters join him in singing “Everything Is Awesome,” from the Lego Movie soundtrack, before handing out Rosary beads.