WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama told reporters he has a “mountain of evidence” that proves militants from the Donovian People’s Army shot down Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 in the breakaway province of Gorgas, sources confirmed this morning.
The announcement came as a shock to most of the world, as many following the news after the civilian airliner was brought down initially believed it happened in eastern Ukraine, at the hands of pro-Russian separatists.
“We are deeply concerned by not only the Donovians’ lawlessness, but also their continued aggression toward their Atropian neighbors,” Obama said.
Gorgas, Obama explained, is a province in Atropia which is populated by ethnic Donovians. Tensions have been brewing there for months, following the deployment of a brigade-size element of U.S. soldiers to help back the Atropian army.
While most reporters were unable to pinpoint the region on a map, members of the U.S. Army and Marine Corps confirmed its location as being somewhere in the Middle East. “Maybe even eastern Europe, I dunno,” one soldier said.
Perhaps the most stunning revelation, however, was that Donovians had infiltrated several large military installations inside the United States.
Still, military leaders were proud to announce the U.S.-backed Atropian Army may or may not successfully defeat the Donovian militants in a decisive five to eight day battle before combat inexplicably ends at 12pm on Friday with an inevitable U.S. victory.
Obama concluded the press conference by saying he had “no doubt” the missile attack came from Donovian separatists, and there was no reason to blame Russia, Ukraine, or any other country that would require the United States to commit to a strategic position or policy that voters may find offensive.