New Private Eager To Join US Army’s ‘Socialist Paradise’
FORT POLK, La. — Spurred by the prospect of solid communal living, subsidized health care, and a guaranteed job, newly-graduated Pvt. Bronson Alcott extolled the virtues of the U.S. Army’s socialist paradise, sources confirmed today.
“I can hardly wait to get started,” gushed Alcott, as he boarded the bus for the airport from his graduation at Fort Polk, La. to begin his six-year commitment to the glorious revolution. “I have been committed to the cause since before I could walk.”
Still, the Burlington, Vt. native confided to Duffel Blog that his parents were initially skeptical of his decision to enlist.
“My parents were actually red diaper babies,” Alcott said. “At first, mother and father were repulsed by my decision to join the vast military industrial complex, but when I explained the total interdependency of soldier and system, they saw that I had not lost my mind.”
Alcott praised the U.S. military as being “ahead of its time,” as sources confirmed he had recently experienced the Army’s forward thinking in the finest barracks 1978 had to offer. The communal showers, dining facilities, and living quarters were quite similar in Mao’s Cultural Revolution, Alcott told reporters.
He’s been full of suggestions as to how to make the Army even more of collectivist-minded institution, like trading in the so-called “Smart Book” for a copy of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital. The drill sergeants shot down Alcott’s suggestion however, explaining they really had no time for innovative thinking.
Undeterred by his experience in basic training, Alcott remains optimistic. “We’ve united blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, gays, straights and the transgendered in one institution! Think about the progress we’ve achieved!” he exclaimed to his comrades, as they sat stone-faced on the bus. “Best of all, we don’t have to work hard. We all get promoted together, because everyone’s a winner!”
“What the fuck is Alcott talking about? The most hooah guys in my unit refer to him as ‘brainwashed.’ The entire cadre had to break his habit of goose stepping in the first week of basic. Who the fuck goose steps? ” asked fellow Pvt. DeSean Harvey.
“I joined because I wanted to go to college eventually. When I’m through with all this bullshit here, I won’t even remember any of these motherfuckers’ names. I’m an individual, goddamnit,” Harvey fumed, before asking one his fellow privates to make sure his haircut and uniform were identical to everyone else’s.
Alcott’s only friend, Pvt. Alma Runt was more understanding. “We’ve made a habit of making the rank-and-file hate the people at the top of an unsustainable system that cannot really compete and does little if anything to inspire competition,” she said, as all the privates leered angrily in her direction.