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Marine With ‘Death Before Dishonor’ Tattoo Does Something Dishonorable

CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Multiple sources confirmed that Marine Cpl. Ryan Biggs — with a previously unblemished five year Marine Corps career and a large tattoo on his back reading “Death Before Dishonor” — is now a total hypocrite after he committed a dishonorable offense earlier this week.

Biggs, previously assigned to Task Force Belleau Wood, previously boasted of a spotless tenure in the Corps, including a storied history of international philandering and adultery, merciless bullying, frequent bouts of public belligerence, and the drunken operation of motor vehicles.

However, Biggs’ honor now stands impugned after a botched attempt to smuggle weapons back from Afghanistan, sources told reporters.

“What a dishonorable shitbag,” said Biggs’ platoon sergeant, Staff Sgt. Howard Bowles, who is pending non-judicial punishment for his fourth DUI. “We just didn’t see this one coming.”

“This is low, even for him,” said Cpl. Jeffrey Haynes, a personnel clerk who has nearly finished his foolproof master plan to murder, dismember and dispose of Biggs after being routinely victimized over the course of an entire tour in Okinawa. “Plus, there are much better ways to smuggle an AK-47 than shoving it into your seabag and claiming it’s a replica.”

Fellow Marines reported that Biggs would oftentimes take off his shirt with no provocation or regard for his surroundings, puff out his “lats” and direct all attention to his tattoo. The sprawling ink canvas, which features a skull, flowers, and a scroll, was lauded by peers as “really fucking original” and praised for “encompassing the subtle nuances of enlisted service in a way [Private First Class] White’s ‘Superman’ tattoo never could.”

Now, the once-acclaimed work of body art is nothing more than a permanent and shameful stain, drawing ire and derision from those who used to consider Biggs “a huge douche with glaring insecurities, but still a pretty fun guy to get plastered with.”

“He should just get that damn thing lasered off,” said Lance Cpl. Rob Jennings, coughing uncontrollably in between hits of synthetic marijuana. “And then, fucking kill himself. Arms smuggling? Goddamn spineless, immoral heathen.”

“I’m just so ashamed of him,” cried Biggs’ wife of seven months, Sara, who regularly cheats on him with the night manager at the local Denny’s. “Now I have his ignoble spawn festering inside of me. I should just get an abortion.”

Cpl. Bruce Puttman has struggled with the ignominy befallen Biggs, who was his best man.

“I didn’t think we’d get much closer after two combat deployments together, but when I found out that he was nailing my wife behind my back for over a year, I knew we had a bond that couldn’t be broken,” said Puttman, who still hasn’t told Biggs that Sara is actually carrying his child.

“Think you know somebody,” he ruefully added.

At press time, Biggs’ commanding officer, Col. Patrick Schubert, was reportedly combing through the Manual for Courts Martial, looking for a way to have Biggs summarily executed, “to put us all out of our goddamn misery.”

Paul, Lee Ho Fuk and Maxx Butthurt contributed to this report.

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Mark Eastwood
2 years 1 month ago

Been thinkin’ about gettin’ the “Death Before Dismemberment” tattoo.

Arthur Ter-Vardanyan
2 years 1 month ago

How do people keep thinking these articles are real? The education system really failed a lot of people.

Martin Knutsen
2 years 1 month ago

My goodness, they need to have a standard course in satire built into boot camp.

Johnathan Knight
2 years 1 month ago
Why even waste time from your life to post some bs like this. I have read many articles like this over the past and am tired of media propaganda. Such as this. If I misread it then I’m sorry but a lot of other people did as well. Theres people out there that just read headlines so if I had known it was senseless talk I would have carried on about my day. And for you other marines and military guys thinking this is funny this stains who you are. I spent 5 years in and was medically retired so… Read more »
Stewart Kalani Mahiai Jr.
2 years 1 month ago

lol…and we despise Mexico for punishing an American for bringing weapons in their country…how is this any different? make up your mind America!!…guess we’ll take the side of convenience on a raving fad! media is a fucking joke!! the Marines name is already tarnished in the eyes of the Corps, the general public has no idea what happens to him unless the media paints them an absurd picture….and they claim freedom of the press!…how about do us all a favor and write about something actually worth reading!!


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