Photo Credit: Wikimedia CommonsUS Prepares Massive Shipment Of Thoughts And Prayers To Kurds Jay-B August 12, 2014 OPFOR 15 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse WASHINGTON — In the latest expansion of US humanitarian aid to besieged Kurdish Yazidis and Christians in northern Iraq, President Obama said this morning he would be sending a massive shipment of thoughts and prayers, sources confirmed. “Let me be clear: I am asking all Americans to contribute their thoughts and prayers, which I have directed the Secretary of Defense to deliver to the Kurds any way possible, as long as it does not involve boots on the ground, or any kind of strategic planning,” Obama said in a statement from The White House. Pentagon spokesman Rear Admiral John Kirby indicated that the thoughts and prayers would be airdropped from four C-5 Galaxy aircraft from the 337th Airlift Squadron, a component of the 439th Airlift Wing (the “Patriot Wing”), out of Westover Air Reserve Base in Massachusetts. Loadmaster Staff Sgt. Dustin “Pedey” McCarthy said, “This is why I joined. Those poor bastahds need these wicked bad.” “With contributions from around the country, we expect enough thoughts and prayers to fill half an oil supertanker,” Kirby said. “That should sustain the Kurds through the long siege as winter in the mountains sets in next month, and the ISIS troops warm themselves around bonfires made from Yazidis who didn’t get into the mountains.” Kirby told reporters that in addition to thoughts and prayers, the U.S. would also provide pallets of tactical hashtags, a George Clooney awards acceptance speech, and a segment on “The View.” Sources also told Duffel Blog that the White House was bringing “extreme pressure” to bear on Facebook to create a “dislike” button that could be field tested against ISIS websites. “The president is prepared, if absolutely necessary,” Kirby added, “to fire as many as 25 AGM-65 Maverick missiles at ISIS targets and decoys.” “Assuming,” he concluded, “we can unmothball enough A-10s and get basing rights to launch them.” At press time, the White House was rumored to be mulling a presidential “red line” finding, which would authorize something or other, but not definitely. Steve Resch says: September 3, 2014 at 10:44 AM Idk how we’re going to get those thoughts and prayers to stay inside the cargo nets… Mark Hanna says: August 19, 2014 at 3:13 PM Imagine the sheer logistics of supplying the Kurds with all those thoughts and prayers. 10,600 moments of silence. 230,000 bumper stickers. Three point five MILLION Facebook Likes. The scale of it boggles the modern mind. Josh Noble says: August 13, 2014 at 2:29 PM Unfortunately, our reserves of thoughts and prayers were used on Robin William and his family, which they need so much in this time of pain. As for veterans and citizens of third world countries, our thoughts and prayers are never deployed, except when people who are only pious and caring on Facebook complain about others not caring about about veterans and third world countries, but only after a celebrity dies. 99% of you won’t be brave enough to share this. Dan Widge says: August 13, 2014 at 8:14 AM Let me make this perfectly clear….. um, we will not put boots on the ground Enno Lenze says: August 13, 2014 at 5:13 AM i was recently there and support weapons to the KRG Kurds http://ennolenze.de/live-from-kurdistan-from-mosul-to-kirkuk/1458/ Elton Johnson Jr says: August 13, 2014 at 2:58 AM I worked with the Peshmerga in 2004 when I was in Iraq. Very good fighters. We should have armed them then but we did not. The main reason was that we did not want to piss off Turkey. At that time, the Kurds had a habit of crossing the border into Turkey and causing the Turks problems. This was due to the fact that a lot of Kurds live in Turkey. Stej Bosnjak says: August 13, 2014 at 12:43 AM Should be as effective as the grueling ‘Bring back our girls’ social media campaign Anonymous says: August 12, 2014 at 4:13 PM Relax and stay calm. Everything will be great again after READY FOR HILLARY ’16. Jack Carter says: August 12, 2014 at 4:13 PM They should be glad that they’re getting thought and prayers instead of hope and change. Brent Woolard says: August 12, 2014 at 4:13 PM Pure comic genius: Kirby told reporters that in addition to thoughts and prayers, the U.S. would also provide pallets of tactical hashtags, a George Clooney awards acceptance speech, and a segment on “The View.” Tina McCann says: August 12, 2014 at 8:59 AM With our luck the airdropped containers will crash into schools and orphanages killing scores of children! Taff Hughes says: August 12, 2014 at 6:43 AM I thought this site was supposed to be a spoof? W.J. Lundy says: August 12, 2014 at 6:43 AM Unfortunately this one is not Satire. Cindy Charbit Dowell says: August 12, 2014 at 6:43 AM this is so spot on, even as a joke. II want to just kiss the writer! that last paragraph… A-freakin-mazing!! Erich Maria Plumsteel-de Villiers says: August 12, 2014 at 4:59 AM What colour ribbon am I supposed to wear to show my solidarity with the Kurds ? Are there some magnetic ribbons that I can put on the back of my car as well ?