Missouri National Guard Arrives In Ferguson, Begins Police Call


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FERGUSON, Mo. — Members of the Missouri National Guard who were deployed by the governor arrived on Monday and immediately began to police call spent brass and cigarette butts around the police command center at a nearby mall, Duffel Blog has learned.

Local leaders and Guard officials have assured the public that soldiers would only fill this type of limited role.

“We’ll continue to ensure a neat and orderly appearance of the command center and nearby areas,” said Guard Capt. William Strothers. “We also have enough paint, rakes, and sand to have a really nice rock garden complete by the time we leave here.”

Other Guard duties will include setting up a coffee mess in the command tent and a car wash in order to raise money for the battalion ball held later this year. But not all Guardsmen were excited to hear about their duties.

“Well this just totally blows,” said Private First Class Rory Watson, as he dejectedly polished one of his three tactical knives. “I thought we’d be military advisors for the police. You know, like in Iraq. I came here to get some, not sell unit t-shirts to cops.”

Still, many soldiers were excited to be deployed to FOB Red’s BBQ in Ferguson. Sgt. First Class Ron Donaldson, who has never deployed prior to events there, is supervising a morale patch design contest with fellow Guardsmen.

“This one has Al Sharpton on it,” said Donaldson, showing some of the proposed designs. “Once we settle on a good design we’re going to convince our lieutenant to authorize us to wear it. We’re also going to try and be approved to get a riot suppression badge. Hmmm … badges.”

Ferguson police say they are delighted to have the National Guard along side them.

“I think it’s great they’re here,” said one officer. “I sure as hell don’t know how to maintain all these surplus tanks and flamethrowers we bought from the military with our end of the year funds.”