FERGUSON, Mo. — Just two days after being withdrawn from Ferguson, the Missouri National Guard is being ordered back into the city to search for a “vital” missing canteen that one soldier apparently left behind.
“Once we returned back to Jefferson City, a soldier reported he was missing a canteen and I realized that we were not up on all our gear,” said Lt. Nathan Frank. “So we’ve been having the troops walk in a line from our headquarters to Ferguson. It’s about a two hour drive, but I’m proud to say our soldiers have police-called it in under 48 hours.”
The protests in the area had substantially quieted down in recent days, but the move may reignite tensions as activists and military members that look like total toolbags with reflective belts wrapped around their chests come face-to-face.
Since the protests began, police officers have been seen wearing Marine Corps camouflage pants, driving in armored trucks, and using riot shields and tear gas, but sources confirmed the National Guard soldiers were seen in just their uniforms without weapons, only looking straight down at the ground in a police-call phalanx formation.
Most citizens who witnessed the soldiers walking back in just stared in disbelief.
“We aren’t really sure whether we should break out the Molotovs or help them,” one protester said.
According to high-level sources at National Guard headquarters, an M223 Army canteen is a piece of equipment that is vital to national security interests. If one should fall into enemy hands, it could spell disaster for this beautiful experiment we call America — but even worse — the careers of the closest lieutenant and captain over him.
“As soldiers, we are charged with safeguarding our great nation and to do that we need to maintain strict accountability of all of our equipment,” Lt. Frank said.
At press time, Lt. Frank had sent out a detachment to look for the armory card that might have fallen out of his pocket along State Road 94, but for god’s sake, please, whatever you do, don’t tell Capt. Jeffries.