The following is a point/counterpoint debate between two Army privates trying to decipher what the hell their battalion sergeant major is actually saying to them during a battalion liberty brief.
Private First Class Aaron Singh: The SgtMaj always sounds like some kind of silverback gorilla flinging poo at us. Did you hear what he just said? I sure as hell don’t understand a word. “Disturbeding trendency?” Does he even speaky Engrish?
Private First Class Travis Allen-Buckley: “Disturbeding” eh? Both disturbed and disturbing? That’s definitely a cause for concern. Certainly a “monumentous occasion.” I honestly think that sergeant major just takes words that he hears and smashes them together to make new ones without thought of grammar or logic.
Move over Germany, here comes the new master of nonsensical compounds. Daniel Webster has nothing on a wordsmith of such caliber. Sure, it makes for some entertaining moments during Battalion Balls, but this is getting ridiculous. This is really the best that the military has to offer? If that’s the case I’d might as well start learning Russian.
Singh: I think Elmer Fudd and Pooty Tang had a major “influent” on his speech patterns. Maybe he is trying to talk to us in the sonorous language of his people. I need an English to E-9 dictionary so I can look of the “deification” of some of these words.
Allen-Buckley: You mean “definacation.” “Deification” is when you turn a man into a god, like the Imperial Cult of the Late Roman Empire.
Singh: No, I think that’s something to do with the latrine.
Allen-Buckley: My God, did he ask us: “How frequency are you supposed to sweep the barracks area?” Frequency? Are you freaking kidding me? Sounds like someone needs to dust off the ‘Hooked on Phonics’ with a little more frequency if you ask me.
Singh: I want to know how “frequency” people in his home town get a GED. I’ve received text messages from high school girls more articulate than he is. Apparently the Army “misunderestimated” his “socialication” skills when he was “relected” for promotion.
Allen-Buckley: I “clapplaud” his oblique reference to Hertz’s Law, where calculating the frequency of a repeating event is accomplished by counting the number of times that event occurs within a specific time period, then proceeding to “subvide” the count by the length of the time period.
Singh: I’m obliquely “computaliating” how long we’re going to have to stand here listening to him “expoundicate” about the dangers of unprotected sex and the need to use “profilaxis” on our rustled jimmies. These libo briefs inspire me to sit in the barracks all weekend watching online porn “mastercating.”
Allen-Buckley: Well, thanks Sergeant Major, we’ll be sure to be hard at work this weekend doing “onlane coursers” in order to “gradvance.”
Duffel Blog contributor Fredrick Taub contributed to this article.