Russia Claims Ukrainian Border Inexplicably Jumped Over Its Paratroopers
MOSCOW – In a surprising concession, the Kremlin announced Thursday that soldiers captured in Ukraine earlier this week were indeed from the elite First Airborne Division of the Russian Air-Landing Forces (VDV), but it was due to the Ukrainian border inexplicably jumping over them “out of nowhere,” sources confirmed.
“This is all very simple misunderstanding comrades,” Defense Minister Pyotr Rurikid assured reporters at a televised press conference. “Ukraine is very unstable country, no? Event at Chernobyl was fault of lazy Ukrainian serfs at helm of complicated machinery. Ever since border between Russia and Ukraine been fluid. Question?”
Russian President Vladimir Putin claimed the troopers were acting in a peacekeeping role with direct orders to remain on their side of the border, and that the Ukrainian border intentionally sneaked in behind them.
According to sources at a press conference in Moscow, a reporter from Russia Today, a known bastion of free speech and journalistic integrity which is in no way a Kremlin propaganda outlet, asked if the aforementioned paratroopers were indeed delivering humanitarian aid to the innocent orphans and adorable puppy dogs of Donetsk.
“These things happen all of times in former Soviet Bloc,” said Rurikid, as his face lit up with a winsome smile while completely ignoring the question. “Subjects and verbs switched for humorous effect. Is slyly poke of fun at ponderous bureaucracy. I tell you other one. Why did road cross fat mother-in-law of dirty Ukrainian muzhik?”
At press time, the Kremlin had also announced that the Ukrainian border has further leapt over three Russian armored divisions and a corps of motorized infantry, who are at present speeding towards Kiev to right things with the nearest cartographer.