CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Sgt. David Lastley says his homecoming from Afghanistan is bittersweet after redeploying last week to find out his smoking-hot wife had been faithful to him and had not cleaned out his bank account, sources confirmed.
“I mean, it’s great, I guess,” Lastley said, speaking to reporters from the deck of his home, which his supermodel-level wife has kept immaculately clean. “I just, all my buddies have all these stories about how they came home, and their wives had gained like 80 pounds. Or had cleaned out their bank account before rabbiting off to South Padre with some douchebag she was blowing.”
Sgt. Lastley, a squad leader with 2nd Battalion, 6th Marines, also expressed dismay that his wife had not mutated into some shrill harpy, griping at him constantly about inconsequential details and house-related chores that he has not — despite the house being her domain — executed on his own.
When reached for comment, his peers were unsympathetic.
“[Screw] that guy,” said Staff Sgt. Lorenzo Lamas, platoon sergeant for Echo Company. “He thinks his life is so bad? Hell. My wife not only left me an empty house but when I got off the plane, the first person I saw was some [person] serving me a subpoena that I owe her alimony.”
“My [wife] did even worse: she left me with two screaming, annoying children,” added Sgt. Patrick Pranger, a squad leader in Lamas’ company. “I didn’t even want the damn [children], but she convinced me because she promised she would always look after them. Now she’s in Cabo with some Major and I’m stuck with these [adorable] kids.”
Lastley is not ungrateful for his faithful, gorgeous wife and copious amounts of deployment bonus money, which she managed to refrain from embezzling. He just wishes he had some “awful wife stories” to tell so he could fit in with his peers when they are telling stories around the fire.
“Look, I love Amy,” he said. “But just so that I could be one of the guys, just once, it would be great if she sucked off some random dude at Applebee’s, stole ten grand from my bank account, or called the MPs on me in a fake domestic abuse call. Then I’d have a story to throw out there when we’re all bitching about our unfaithful, thieving wives.”
At press time, Mrs. Lastley was still failing to generate any remarkable stories for her husband, by being sexually available and assertive, maintaining her rightful share of the household chores, and making sound financial decisions.