Photo Credit: US Marine CorpsMarine Feels Left Out After Redeploying To Faithful, Hot Wife And Full Bank Account Dick Scuttlebutt August 13, 2014 Marine Corps 31 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Sgt. David Lastley says his homecoming from Afghanistan is bittersweet after redeploying last week to find out his smoking-hot wife had been faithful to him and had not cleaned out his bank account, sources confirmed. “I mean, it’s great, I guess,” Lastley said, speaking to reporters from the deck of his home, which his supermodel-level wife has kept immaculately clean. “I just, all my buddies have all these stories about how they came home, and their wives had gained like 80 pounds. Or had cleaned out their bank account before rabbiting off to South Padre with some douchebag she was blowing.” Sgt. Lastley, a squad leader with 2nd Battalion, 6th Marines, also expressed dismay that his wife had not mutated into some shrill harpy, griping at him constantly about inconsequential details and house-related chores that he has not — despite the house being her domain — executed on his own. When reached for comment, his peers were unsympathetic. “[Screw] that guy,” said Staff Sgt. Lorenzo Lamas, platoon sergeant for Echo Company. “He thinks his life is so bad? Hell. My wife not only left me an empty house but when I got off the plane, the first person I saw was some [person] serving me a subpoena that I owe her alimony.” “My [wife] did even worse: she left me with two screaming, annoying children,” added Sgt. Patrick Pranger, a squad leader in Lamas’ company. “I didn’t even want the damn [children], but she convinced me because she promised she would always look after them. Now she’s in Cabo with some Major and I’m stuck with these [adorable] kids.” Lastley is not ungrateful for his faithful, gorgeous wife and copious amounts of deployment bonus money, which she managed to refrain from embezzling. He just wishes he had some “awful wife stories” to tell so he could fit in with his peers when they are telling stories around the fire. “Look, I love Amy,” he said. “But just so that I could be one of the guys, just once, it would be great if she sucked off some random dude at Applebee’s, stole ten grand from my bank account, or called the MPs on me in a fake domestic abuse call. Then I’d have a story to throw out there when we’re all bitching about our unfaithful, thieving wives.” At press time, Mrs. Lastley was still failing to generate any remarkable stories for her husband, by being sexually available and assertive, maintaining her rightful share of the household chores, and making sound financial decisions. Patrick Shelton says: August 25, 2014 at 1:44 PM Ironically, I served in E 2/6 Quin Ones Esmer Alda says: August 23, 2014 at 8:29 PM “I don’t even want the damn children!” Heh, heh, heh. That was funny. Anyways, it seems that marriage vows mean jack when you’re deployed. Everyone is having sex with each other regardless of marital status and rank. It’s not just the spouses back in CONUS being unfaithful. Stay single. It’s more fun that way. Daniel Bennett says: August 18, 2014 at 7:43 AM This is probably one of those times you should just be happy and not find something to bitch about. Mitch LeCoupe says: August 18, 2014 at 7:43 AM It happen to me too 3 tours boania, Kosovo the Afgan and my house was clean the kids were great and the wife was strong and awesom the whole time gone. How to hold on to that great wife. Now out of Army after 20 yrs for 6 yrs and married 25 yrs. The good ones are out there. Steve Day says: August 17, 2014 at 6:59 PM Poor Sgt. Lastly. I’ll let his supermodel-level wife blow me if it makes him feel better… Just because I’m a caring guy though. Rachel Still says: August 15, 2014 at 4:58 AM Is he joking? My husband is about to come home to this is October. I know the last thing he wants is to come home to an empty house, or a fat wife who blew all their money. Eric Delahaye says: August 14, 2014 at 7:44 PM he’s a douche bag !! Angel Rosario says: August 14, 2014 at 7:44 PM Lol I’m glad i had his problem Lisa-Marie Wood says: August 14, 2014 at 3:13 PM What a loser, he wanted to complain, really? Maybe she should clean out the bank account (or half) and find a man that will appreciate her. Totally lame. Maria Norton says: August 14, 2014 at 1:43 PM Good for her that’s how the wives are suppose to be… Tia Tyson says: August 14, 2014 at 1:43 PM Some wives are just concerned with themselves. They use the ‘extra ‘ money for themselves while their kids wear rags. Not only have I seen this with my dads buddies wives, but my husbands buddies and my own son had a wife that ruined him financially and almost emotionally. He got a Dear John letter just before he came back from his 4th deployment in a war zone. This shit is an epidemic. Yes, I know this is not a serious post but it gives me a chance to bitch a little. Don’t screw with my boy. Becky Jo Moreth says: August 14, 2014 at 8:43 AM Just goes to show you that men are never satisfied with what they have no matter how good! He should be strutting like a peacock and bragging and kissing this woman’s butt in gratitude! But no he has to whine he feels left out, we just can’t win, lol! Michelle Lea Calhoun says: August 14, 2014 at 8:43 AM To someone financially destroyed by the Uniformed Services Former Spouse Protection Act, this is funny but entirely depressing. This may be sarcasm but damn it hits hard. After serving for 20 years, my husband gets 47% of his retirement. His ex has a doctorate that the Army helped provide, is remarried to another guy with a military retirement, and got a boob job but refuses to relinquish “her” share of HIS retirement. Meanwhile, we are scraping to pay the bills, our pantry is nearly barren, and our kids need uniforms for school. Beware servicemen and women. It is a law, it will destroy your future, and there is no one in Congress who will even discuss repealing it. F***** UP! Michael Chidi says: August 14, 2014 at 6:58 AM Selfish bitch Michael Jadrnak says: August 13, 2014 at 7:28 PM +1 Tiana Steffenhagen says: August 13, 2014 at 7:28 PM Really? This was news worthy? Karen Hoke says: August 13, 2014 at 7:28 PM do people truly honestly make complaints such as that? “He just wishes he had some “awful wife stories” to tell so he could fit in with his peers when they are telling stories around the fire.” I hope this is some sorry ass writer who tried to make a good man look bad. How can anyone read this and think it’s real? People with beautiful wives, doing what they believe in and not getting fucked over DO NOT waste their time with shit like this. Flabbergasted Larry Burdge says: August 13, 2014 at 4:43 PM Ain’t no sense I goin’ home, Jody’s got your girl and gone. Kaitlin Smock says: August 13, 2014 at 4:43 PM Wow. This is just sad. Girls: Way to give us all such a bad name that when a good girl actually does the right thing, it comes across as weird or too good to be true. Guys: Way to assume we’re all the same and incapable of being faithful and loving. And when we are faithful and loving…way to be an ungrateful ass about it. How about praising your lady and being grateful that she is true and good to you. Dave Herrington says: August 13, 2014 at 2:29 PM I bet somewhere, there’s a military wife wishing her husband would cheat on her with some ugly supply clerk, who gave him clap, so she would have something to bitch at to her girls also. Yeah, probably not. Josh Noble says: August 13, 2014 at 2:29 PM Too bad for this guy. He’ll never get the life experience he needs to deal with the eventual disappointing relationship and crushing financial burden that comes with an aging marriage and maturing children. He is set up for one hell of a midlife crisis. James Boogertman says: August 13, 2014 at 12:13 PM Dude!! You shouldn’t be complaining about this crap. Your one of the lucky ones to come he from deployment and still have a life at home that hasn’t turned upside down while you were away. If your for real, your wife should slap the sh!t out of you and tell you that your one of the lucky ones. Lonnie Cavenee says: August 13, 2014 at 12:13 PM I know that feel bro. Coming home after two six month deployments out at sea to a cute wife, adorable child, spotless home, my car washed and waxed (seriously I am not joking here) while my shipmates came home to sometimes even worse than the Sarge’s peers had to deal with. Although 80lbs seems to be an exaggeration but some came close. Sucked having nothing in common with my married peers. The only guys I got along with were either single or gay. Joe Slattery says: August 13, 2014 at 12:13 PM That’s no wife, that’s a unicorn! Fred Klonin says: August 13, 2014 at 10:28 AM What Army did you say this guy is in Josh Tucker says: August 13, 2014 at 10:28 AM Too good to be true. She is a he…run man run! Christopher Artwohl says: August 13, 2014 at 10:28 AM Ill take her if he dont want her hahahaha Taff Hughes says: August 13, 2014 at 10:28 AM Pte Smith: What’s up, Jonesy? Pte Jones: Got a letter from my missus. Says she’s run off with my best mate. Pte Smith: F***ing hell. You must be gutted. Pte Jones: Yeah … I’m really going to miss going out for beers with him. Alex Dillard Klaus says: August 13, 2014 at 7:58 AM I got it…She’s a gynoid! Ian Jardine says: August 13, 2014 at 7:58 AM Hold on…this has got to be a fake story. Completely unbelievable on every level. Jeff Bean says: August 13, 2014 at 6:43 AM Lol! Keep ‘em coming!!