FORT DRUM, N.Y. — 2nd Lt. Micheal Podwoski arrived at his first command with wide eyes and a goal of reaching his soldiers on a personal level, but he’s regretting his attempt to earn their respect by showing them a photo of his girlfriend, sources confirmed.
“I just think it’s really important for me to connect with my guys,” Podwoski, platoon leader in Charlie Company, 14th Infantry Regiment, told Duffel Blog. “That’s why I opened up about my private life and showed them a picture of my girlfriend of six months, Stacey.”
The picture, featuring Stacey on the beach during the couple’s trip to Hawaii last year, united the platoon into a single, sexually-depraved monster, according to sources familiar with the matter. Once he handed the picture to his platoon sergeant, Sgt. 1st Class Jeffery Burns, Podwoski told reporters he then realized his error.
Burns whistled and exclaimed “Look at those puppies!” as he handed the picture to a specialist in the platoon known for sleeping with the wife of Podwoski’s predecessor.
Podowski’s girlfriend Stacey is naturally blonde, five feet, six inches, 115 pounds, a proud Crossfitter, and has what Pvt. Adam Jones called “definitely double D’s.” The platoon told Duffel Blog it had unanimously agreed Stacey was “a 10/10, would bang.”
The lieutenant attempted to reclaim the picture as the unwashed hands of his infantry platoon molested her image, but was unsuccessful. “Maybe I should’ve shown a less revealing picture. A bikini pic was a bad idea,” he said.
“Yeah, what the fuck was the LT thinking? A bikini pic on day one? He’s never getting that thing back,” Staff Sgt. Adam Quintin told reporters. “I’m sure it’ll make it into someone’s rucksack and show up in a tent’s ‘whack shack’ on our next deployment.”
“At least my wife is fat and ugly so I don’t have to worry about all these horndogs chasing after her,” he added.
Sources also confirmed the picture had made its way throughout the platoon, as soldiers offered rich commentary such as “I’d suck her daddy’s dick just to get a taste of the formula,” and “Damn girl, you shit with that ass!” and also “I wonder what her farts smell like.”
At press time, Podwoski had given up trying to reclaim the soiled photo after a private tried to bite his hand as he grabbed for it.