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Middle Eastern Card-Stacking Championship Placed On Hold Again

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DOHA, Qatar — The International Playing Card Stacking Federation announced that its first All Middle East competition will be postponed for the 99th time since it was first announced in 1915, sources confirmed Thursday.

“We sincerely regret postponing this long-awaited competition. Card stacking is an art of patience, precision, and achievement in the face of adversity, values which we believe have great meaning for the Middle East. However, given the current regional situation, we do not believe this an appropriate time for the competition,” said spokesman and international champion card stacker Bryan Berg.

The delay, caused primarily by the rise of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), the ongoing Syrian civil war, and intensified Israel-Palestine conflict, is just the latest in an almost century-long string of delays and postponements since the competition was first proposed by British officer and card-stacking hobbyist Sir Arnold Wilson in 1915.

Previous delays have been caused by a variety of unexpected problems that made it impractical to stage the contest, including the Egyptian Revolution, the Iranian Revolution, the Iraqi Revolution, the Dhofar Rebellion, the Adwan Rebellion, the Ararat Rebellion, the Dersim Rebellion, World Wars 1 and 2, the Arab-Israeli Wars, the Iran-Iraq War, the Anglo-Iraqi War, the Franco-Syrian War, the Saudi-Yemeni War, the Lebanese Civil War, the Syrian Civil War, the Yemeni Civil Wars, the Suez Crisis, the Siege of Mecca, several intifadas, Operation Ajax, Operation Desert Shield, Operation Desert Storm, Operation Iraqi Freedom, the assassination of King Abdullah I of Jordan, the assassination of Anwar Sadat, the assassination of Yitzhak Rabin, the assassination of Rafic Hariri, the assassinations of numerous Iraqi and Iranian prime ministers, the Armenian Genocide, the Assyrian Genocide, several genocides targeting the Kurds and Yazidis, the Semele Massacre, the Hama Massacre, the Mecca Massacre, the bombing of the King David Hotel, the bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut, a combined total of over 14 coups d’etat, and inclement weather, among other causes.

The delay is especially disappointing as organizers had held out hope as late as yesterday that an appropriately stable venue had been located in Dubai. However, the United Arab Emirates ultimately declined to host the competition, concerned that an additional several dozen tourists staying for a weeklong competition would tax their fresh water production capabilities to the breaking point.

Despite the postponement of the competition, the group’s robust teaching and mentoring of youth throughout the region will continue unaffected.

“Stacking playing cards can be done with as few as two cards,” says one volunteer card-stacking teacher who would only identify himself as “Idra” for fear of being construed as conducting a political activity and suffering reprisals by Hamas, Israeli settlers, the Shabiha, ISIS, Hezbollah, Al Qaeda and its affiliates, the Israeli Army, the Mossad, both the Syrian Army and the Free Syrian Army, the CIA, MI6, the Iranian Army, the mukhabarat of every country previously named plus Jordan, both the secret and non-secret Egyptian police, and western drone strikes.

Moments after Idra completed the most basic two card tower, a sheaf of threatening letters was forced through the door’s mail slot from — among others — politicians seeking bribes in exchange for overlooking construction of an unauthorized card tower, fundamentalists furious over the use of cards that can be used to gamble, and the mafia which controls all local gambling.

In spite of the letters, Idra is optimistic.

“I think we are making good progress. Compared to when I first began, more and more of the threatening letters do not even mention stacking playing cards.”

However, there was no time to read the other thirty-eight threatening letters to confirm this, as the wall of the house was suddenly blasted in by a vehicle-borne IED parked outside, the roof was caved in by a government artillery strike, and the remaining walls were crushed by a passing Israeli armored bulldozer, leaving only the mailbox standing.

The mailbox collapsed soon afterwards following a moderately strong breeze, apparently due to the use of library paste rather than nails by the contractor, a relative of a local official.

Due to the competition’s postponement, the previous regional card stacking record of a five-tiered house of cards will likely stand for one more year. The record was achieved in Iraq during the 2007 Sunni Awakening, but was cut short when U.S. military leaders insisted on bringing visiting officials to see it for themselves, and their helicopter’s rotor wash blew it over.

UPDATE: The contest has now been formally canceled, after the entire Middle East was rocked by a giant explosion. The region is now burning and slowly sinking into what is expected to become a new sea between the Arabian Sea and the Mediterranean.

Navy

Navy says its not the size of the fleet, but how you use it

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NORFOLK, Va.—The Navy says the size of its fleet is just fine, thank you, and to stop counting its ships and start thinking about the service’s skill in using them. The Navy raised the subject in rolling out its new slogan, “Presence, not size, matters.”

The U.S. Navy currently has about 290 ships, significantly smaller than China’s People’s Liberation Army Navy (PLAN), with over 300 vessels, plus several hundred more in the China Coast Guard. But Chief of Naval Operations Admiral John Richardson recently said that the best measure of sea power employment effectiveness—”How you use it!” in Richardson’s phrasing.

Naval analyst Norm Marpol called this viewpoint an overcompensation for inadequacies as a result of “fleet envy.”

Commander Ward Burke, a staff officer with DESRON 9, disagrees with the naysayers. “Sure, the PLAN has a lot of width and depth,” Burke says. “But they’re unskilled in maneuvering and seamanship. They can’t get the job done if they can’t use their tools.”

“You can’t just slap your dick—er, your ship—on the water and expect it to perform,” he added.

The Russian Navy, with about 300 ships, also has a lot of “big, powerful submarines capable of penetrating our most sensitive regions,” Burke said. But the Russian Navy is also known for the limited duration of its operations. “What good is the size of their fleet if they have no time on station?” asked Burke.

Burke said that “a lot of people” know that smaller-than-average navies, properly applied over the right maritime terrain, are often more effective than large fleets.

Some naval theorists disagree with Richardson’s concept.

“You know who says that the size of a navy doesn’t matter?” asks Professor Sherri Higgins of the RAND Corporation, “Countries that have small navies, that’s who.” “The best approach is to combine a large fleet with effective and sensitive employment. As usual the Navy is missing the boat.”

Higgins added, “France thought size didn’t matter until Britain’s Admiral Nelson handed them their asses at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. Nelson had only one eye and one working arm, but he had a fleet of big ships and he knew how to use them, if you know what I mean and I think you do.”

Nevertheless, the Navy appears unwilling to bend. Burke concluded, “We’re totally satisfied with our smaller than average fleet. We really are. Like, really.”

Reports that senior Navy leaders are attending self-affirmation therapy groups behind the O club right now are unconfirmed.

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Navy

Chief of Naval Operations lauds return to tradition of ‘false flag’ operations

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A U.S. merchant vessel sunk by a Nazi submarine. Or was it?

THE PENTAGON — Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson applauded the Navy’s return to what he called “its storied tradition of false flag operations” in a speech on Friday, several attendees confirmed.

In remarks to senior Navy leaders, Richardson noted that the American fleet has been blaming provocations at sea on outsiders since Yankee sailors dressed up like Indians at the Boston Tea Party in 1773.

“Even before we had declared independence,” he noted, “we were already doing our best to pretend other people started our first war.” Richardson also noted half a dozen times that such operations would help the Navy during “great power competition” and in the “high end fight,” as official Navy guidance on speeches given by senior officers require.

“False flag operations” refer to operations intended to give the impression that another actor launched the initial attack. “The term false flag literally refers to pirate ships hauling up an English or Spanish flag before they attacked,” noted Bill Roberts, a naval warfare and vexillology expert at the Center for New American Security Studies (CNASS). “It let them get close to merchant vessels, before unleashing a deadly broadside of artillery and seizing them.”

Attendees of the speech say Richardson emphasized the timeliness of the Navy’s return to false flag activity. “As we face increasing maritime gray zone threats, including Chinese maritime militias, the Russians in the Black Sea, and North Korean smuggling, it is imperative that we learn how to deceive our enemies so they cannot deceive us,” he told his audience of admirals, captains and senior civilians.

The admiral did not provide any specifics about what false flag operations the Navy had resumed.

According to Roberts, in the last several decades the CIA had increasingly taken over responsibility for all false flag operations.

“Ever since the DoD botched Operation Northwoods during the Cuban Missile Crisis in the ’60s, which was a plan to blame Fidel for CIA-orchestrated terrorist attacks, the boys at Langley have liked to keep uniform personnel far away from this kind of stuff,” he noted.

“I can’t think of a single occasion since Vietnam where military personnel have faked a terrorist attack. It’s great the Navy’s getting back into it.”

Richardson’s remarks came as American leaders sought to assign blame for attacks on two oil tankers in the Gulf of Oman, which they claim were likely a covert action by Iran.

When asked for more information by reporters, Pentagon officials said the American public would just have to “trust us.”

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Army

Army not looking forward to prostate exam after 244th birthday

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WASHINGTON—The Army will celebrate its birthday today with the rite of passage every service endures once it reaches a certain age, the dreaded prostate exam, sources say.

Over the past 244 years, the Army has enjoyed relatively good health, with the exception of a few minor hiccups post-Vietnam and after the Gulf War, the Army recently told Congress. “Unfortunately, recent tensions with Iran, Russia, China, and Venezuela—along with recurring flare-ups in Iraq and Afghanistan—have left the Army concerned about the health of its aging combat systems, aching readiness numbers, and our likely basketball-sized prostate,” it said.

“I can’t seem to ‘force-flow’ troops into theater, if you know what I mean,” the Army told the Duffel Blog. “So I guess it’s time for the old finger sweep. I just hope the doc doesn’t have massive sausage fingers. I don’t want to walk around for the rest of the day looking stiff and constipated like the Marine Corps.”

Sources close to the Army say it has been secretly looking forward to the exam ever since its finger accidentally broke through some MRE toilet paper during its last deployment.

Nor will this be the first time the Army has had an invasive procedure involving its rectum. During the past several years of sequestration, the House and Senate Armed Service Committees have given the Army multiple unwanted colonoscopies, aimed at finding out why it was so bloated.

“Turns out I was just backed up with wasteful acquisition programs and a bunch of officers and NCOs who had never deployed,” the Army chuckled. “The colonoscopy prep flushed out most of it out and I took care of the rest with a few rounds of retention boards. Unfortunately, it looks like I will have chronic DCGS-A and a few other maladies for years to come.”

The Army has an appointment with the same doctor it saw at the Military Entrance Processing Station back in 1775, who sources say looked to be about 90-years-old back then. Though it will continue to face readiness health challenges as it ages, Army says  it will be ready to fight and win the nation’s wars—given enough warning and several billion more dollars than whatever Congress is currently appropriating.

Duffel Blog reporters Addison Blu and WT Door contributed to this article.

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Army

Chaplain’s wife drives to different state in disguise to buy dildo

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A person disguised in a ghillie suit

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla.—The wife of Army Chaplain Mike Phillips, Amy, has just been spotted entering a dildo store 350 miles from her home, sources confirm.

According to anecdotal reports, it is often difficult for spouses of the clergy to indulge in their love of cock, due to the busybody nature of congregants and parishioners. Spouses in need of “marital aids,” costumes, and restraints must travel far outside the Fort Hood area to procure the items required for a satisfying, make-you-weep orgasm.

Mrs. Phillips declined to comment to Duffel Blog reporters, but another chaplain’s wife offered some thoughts on condition that her real name not be used.

“It’s tough, it’s true,” said “Danielle,” the wife of Protestant Chaplain Steve White, the brigade chaplain of Panther Brigade, 82d Airborne Division, “because many of your husband’s flock think that you shouldn’t have needs and desires like a normal woman”

She continued, “Like just because your husband nurtures and shepherds young soldiers in their spiritual lives, you’re somehow supposed to be above just needing a thick tool slammed up in your clam.”

Danielle paused to adjust her Carmen Sandiego disguise while glancing furtively around the parking lot outside The Toybox, the best-Yelp-reviewed dildo store in Des Moines, Iowa—more than 1,000 safe miles away from Fort Bragg.

“Honestly, we have children, so they know we’ve had sex at least twice. I need a little more than man-on-top missionary once in a while, gosh darnit,” she added. “He is deployed all the time, and it’s only the Catholics and Mormons who are against self-pleasuring. I just need a little release, for crying out loud.”

Sources further confirmed that Mrs. Phillips was unfortunately thwarted in her attempt to covertly make her purchase (a 7 inch veiny Caucasian-color rubber vibrator that features “realistic squirting,” and several brand-associated refill vials of fake semen) when she ran into the wife of her husband’s head deacon, also in a beret and fake mustache, at the cash register. She was forced to ninja-roll under a rack of feather boas and fair-trade leather whips and dive out the window like Bruce Willis.

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Marine Corps

All Marines are rifleman first, according to Marine who is admin clerk second

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Making copies

WILMETTE, Ill – On Saturday evening, Private First Class Mark Vance told a collection of fellow New Trier High School graduates “Every Marine is a rifleman first.” Vance, whose primary Military Occupational Specialty is as an Admin Clerk—“not at all like a secretary,” according to Vance—spends virtually all day, every day typing.

Vance’s comments confused several partygoers, who were uncertain whether that meant Vance’s admin clerk duties were of secondary focus and if being a “rifleman first” had any impact on the young Marine’s actual schedule.

“I asked him what his job was and he said the rifleman thing from movies, but he didn’t really elaborate,” said Vance’s classmate Will Shields. “When I asked him what he meant, he said something about ‘lions not being concerned with the opinions of sheep’ and walked off.”

Sources confirm that Vance stood out among at the party thanks to his cargo shorts, tucked in Grunt Style t-shirt, dog tags worn over said shirt, and exceptionally pale skin characteristic of someone who lives his life under industrial fluorescent lighting.

Vance spoke at length about what it’s like to be a “living weapon” and to “know you can kill everyone in the room if you have to.” Since completing Marine basic training and earning his eagle, globe, and anchor, Vance has spent the majority of his time in the service handling admin actions as part of his unit’s S1 administrative division. Such actions include filing paperwork, filling out paperwork, taking calls, and not allowing his fellow Marines to sign out on leave.

Vance’s fellow Marines unit confirm that Vance’s training since leaving Marine Corps Recruit Depot Parris Island has not included any specific courses in tracking enemy combatants across the desert, snapping a man’s neck like it was nothing, or something Vance vaguely referred to Saturday as “insane-o mode.”

Despite the “lean mean killing machine’s” apparent lack of formal training in advanced combatives and tactics, multiple party guests confirmed that Vance responded to a question asking if he had ever killed by saying “Not yet” completely without irony.

He then went on to explain that if he did deploy and if an ISIS fighter assaulted his forward operating base, and if said fighter were to make his way past the FOB’s outer defenses, and if they were to then fight through the other units on base, and if said terrorist were then to enter the Battalion Headquarters, and if they were to then make their way to the S1 shop, he would, “totally end that motherfucker.”

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News

Rep. Duncan Hunter shocked Americans making such big deal about routine war crimes

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Congressman Duncan Hunter

EL CAJON, Calif.—Speaking to reporters at his home office in California’s 50th District, Duncan Hunter seemed perplexed as to why Americans have gotten so upset about relatively minor war crimes allegedly committed by Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher.

“I honestly don’t get it,” Hunter exclaimed. “Eddie Gallagher killed, like, a handful of civilians. When we firebombed Dresden, we killed over 20,000 people!”

The Congressman went on to tell reporters that while serving as a POG near Fallujah in 2004, he and his Marines “killed probably hundreds of civilians.”

Hunter explained that on the modern battlefield, there is no way to avoid deliberately murdering an unarmed and wounded prisoner before taking pictures with his corpse.

“Given the prevalence of social media,” Hunter said, “you would be a fool to pass up a photo opportunity like that. That’s at least 100 likes on Instagram, and you’ll probably pick up a DM or two as well.”

According to Hunter, modern PC culture is to blame for the backlash facing Chief Gallagher. “Back when my dad was a Congressman, you could do whatever you wanted at home and overseas.

“Nowadays, you can’t even use campaign funds to bankroll extramarital affairs without getting indicted,” Hunter bemoaned. “What’s next, you’re going to tell me that people still aren’t over the whole My Lai thing? It’s been like 40 years. Give it a rest already.”

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Army

Staff Officers hope for war with Iran to end Bronze Star drought

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A Massachusetts bronze star license plate

THE PENTAGON — Many U.S. military staff officers are hoping for war with Iran, Duffel Blog has learned. These officers cite two reasons, sources familiar with the subject report: First, the U.S. has already gone to war with two of Iran’s neighbors and is familiar with the region. Second, many strategists believe the Iranian military machine will be defeated quickly, leading to a quick award of bronze stars before an even quicker departure from the ancient country.

“Finding excuses to write myself up so the colonel can sign a bronze star citation is difficult without a legitimate war,” Army Maj. James Forsyth said. “I don’t really want to do anything overtly valiant, because that could also be career threatening.”

“I just want people to see my bronzie license plate and assume that I did.”

As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have wound down, staff officers have been searching for ways to earn the once-prestigious decoration. Forsyth and his generation of officers joined too late for the Great Medal Giveaways of Aught-One and Aught-Three. Back then, simply doing your job was often enough. Citations include actions such as organizing mundane resupply convoys or reporting semiaccurate intelligence to the brigade commander on enemy strength and disposition.

Present-day lieutenant colonels and above earned their bronze stars in the early days in OIF when the bar was incredibly low—even serving on brigade staffs that never left Kuwait.

For enlisted personnel, the minimum bar has always been tied to valorous action. At present, and against all common sense, even officers have to storm a strongly defended trench full of, say, ISIS fighters for consideration. But sadly, such trenches have been increasingly hard to find as ISIS fighters are killed off by drone strikes conducted by “pilots” who received the “distinguished warfare medal.”

While many company-grade officers want decorations, enlisted troops are hoping to get the combat pay that will finally pay for expensive modified trucks and muscle cars to manage their three-mile commutes from base housing to work.

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Army

‘Call for Fyre Festival’ dupes Millennials into enlisting

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The Fyre Festival documentary from Netflix

FORT SILL, Okla.—Millennial recruits and their helicopter parents are demanding answers after the Army’s “Call for Fyre Festival” failed to deliver on its promises of extravagant music performances, celebrity appearances, and unrestricted free-fire zones.

The festival began as a recruiting gimmick to attract Millennials, but ballooned into a social-media phenomenon, enticing the nation’s youth to sign away years of their lives they would otherwise have been spent aimlessly racking up student debt.

Call for Fyre guaranteed access to exclusive clubs, such as Navy Federal Credit Union and the USO. The festival even offered premium packages for longer enlistments. For a six-year commitment, the High Value Individual, or “HVI,” package included an an AC-130 airstrike and a selfie with a captured ISIS commander’s corpse.

“Kids these days just aren’t into duty, or selfless service, or endless war,” said the festival’s co-founder, Sergeant First Class Will McFarland. “But they love flashy shit like Coachella. So that’s what we gave them. Coachella. With bombs.”

Trouble for the festival began when the U.S. withdrew its firebases from Northern Iraq, causing the festival’s location to change from Kurdistan to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. Unwilling to visit middle-America, social-media influencers such as Nancy Pelosi started cancelling appearances. And in the coup de grâce, the USO only managed to book music performances by one member of the Spin Doctors and Uncle Kracker.

Thanks to new Army policy allowing cell phones during training, millennial recruits are fighting back in the only way they know—hashtags and harsh language.

“THIS IS #FyreFRAUD! I was promised Cardi B and A-10’s, not dilapidated howitzers and washed up B-list bands,” tweeted Private Mark Marino.

The Army responded to the controversy on its official Instagram page: “The U.S. Army reminds its volunteers that you can’t sue your recruiter, but we will try to book some better artists for #CallforFyre2020.”

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