The following bit of disturbing news was broken to you after morning PT.
So, the creepy guy in S-2 was overheard commenting on your vibrant, glowing complexion, going on to debate with himself on what exfoliant you use to best preserve the suppleness of your hide.
No, not the halitosis guy with Coke-bottle glasses. The really creepy one. You know, the shifty-eyed, daywalking mouthbreather that’s always muttering to himself. Yeah, the one who just got his braces off. Him.
Did you know his ringtone is “Goodbye Horses”? Yeah, I know. Fucking weird, man.
Apparently he’s up for promotion, too. I guess his background checked out.
Anyway, I gotta take a shit. Later, dude.
EDITOR’S NOTE: At press time, sources reported that the creepy guy was last seen talking to a printout of your Facebook profile picture, saying, “I wish I had skin like that. Maybe someday I will.”