LITTLE FALLS, Minn. — A three-year-old boy who did not wait for his soldier mother to be dismissed from a pointless formation after serving nine months in Afghanistan has received a non punitive letter of caution for breaking ranks, Duffel Blog has learned.
“It’s the most egregious violation of military customs and traditions I’ve ever seen in all my years of service,” said National Guard Command Sgt. Maj. Milton Stiff. “This young lad’s decided lack of discipline is appalling and if his parents won’t deal with him then the U.S. Army will.”
The non-punitive letter, issued by the command of the boy’s mother, reads in part: “You are hereby reprimanded for your substandard conduct during the company’s reunion ceremony upon returning from Afghanistan. It is your obligation as the son of a non-commissioned officer to conduct yourself with dignity and professionalism at all times. This letter, being non-punitive in nature, serves to administratively admonish you for displaying a lack of military bearing and adherence to Army Values expected from a family member of a soldier of the Minnesota Army National Guard.”
Command Sgt. Maj. Stiff was reportedly incensed when he received the boy’s hand written rebuttal which was composed of a single word in crayon: “POOP.”
“If we allow parents to hug their undisciplined children in formation then the terrorists win,” Stiff said. “What ever happened to using the five S’s of the escalation of force? When unauthorized children approach a formation, soldiers are to Shout, Show, Shove, Spank to Warn, Spank to Discipline. This is a complete breakdown of our core values. If we were in Sparta I’d have thrown the little oxygen thief off a cliff by now.”
Ever since video of the three-year-old’s reunion with his mother went viral there have been increased reports of outraged first sergeants and sergeants major throughout the Army National Guard. As of press time, however, no one in their right mind seems to give a rat’s ass.