IDLIB, Syria — Members of the Islamic State have confirmed that recent recruit George Walker Bush al-Dulaymi is absolutely sick and tired of being teased and taunted about his name, which is almost identical to that of the 43rd President of the United States.
Bush, an 11-year-old Iraqi boy, was born near Ramadi in May 2003, just several weeks after U.S. military forces toppled Iraqi president Saddam Hussein and ushered in a new era of peace and democracy. His father Sabeer Sabbah Kamis was so overjoyed that he named his newborn son George Walker Bush.
Last month George Bush (pronounced “Djorj Boosh”) completed his initial training at an Islamic State camp located near Idlib in Syria. He said that in addition to learning marksmanship and bomb-making, he also received an unintentional lesson in tolerance and understanding.
“All I wanted to do was fight the Zionist-Crusader entity that secretly controls Iran,” Bush grumbled. “But not everyone here believes in the ‘one team one jihad’ mentality.”
According to Bush, at first he was just teased by the other recruits, who nicknamed him ‘Howdy’ or ‘Yee-Haw’. However, after his training began the instructors switched to the more sadistic Recruit ‘Murica’, which they made Bush scream out as he drove an over-sized pickup truck all around the training camp to everyone’s laughter.
Bush also complained that on several occasions he was forced to wear a blood-soaked ten gallon hat taken off the body of an American contractor and sing the theme from “Rawhide” with a mouth full of chewing tobacco. And the mockery hasn’t ended since his graduation.
After Bush was assigned to the ISIS’ northern sector in Syria, his commander, Abu Omar al-Shishani, held a martyrdom ceremony in front of the entire unit where he read out all the names of the new members.
“I could tell when he came to my name,” Bush said, “because he just stopped and stared at the paper for a while. Then he looked up and asked, ‘Who here is having the name of the infidel American president?’ I tried to explain it to him, but he ordered my squad leader to take away my AK-47 and issue me a shotgun.”
Bush’s father Kamis refused to comment for this article, or on anything as ISIS fighters had removed his tongue and knocked out his teeth last month. Local residents directed Duffel Blog to the family patriarch, located in a shallow unmarked grave ten miles out of Ramadi on Highway 11.
Bush’s younger brother Richard ‘Dick’ Cheney has been missing for some time and is thought to be in an undisclosed location. His youngest brother Donald Henry Rumsfeld has not been heard from since he was kidnapped last year by Iraqi police near Abu Ghraib prison.