WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Navy celebrated its 239th birthday locked inside its bedroom, gorging itself on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby,” sources confirmed Monday. Sources also told Duffel Blog that the muffled dialogue of a Sex and the City marathon could be heard over a crescendo of unintelligible sobs through the door.
“Honestly, I’d probably feel the same way,” said a sprightly, 68-year-old Air Force. “Navy’s on the wrong side of 200, and it’s no secret that sailors don’t care about anything.”
Close associates of Navy state that it was once held in high esteem by peers and the American public, serving with notable distinction in various conflicts throughout history, but they admitted that Navy’s modern, downgraded role to posturing and the occasional Tomahawk strike have led it to ride on the coattails of David Farragut, John Paul Jones and the Navy SEALs in a struggle to compensate for its declining popularity.
“Everyone just LOVES Marine Corps. Do you know the last time anyone came to MY birthday ball?” cried Navy, wallowing in self-pity and a pyramid of crumpled tissues. “Marine Corps just uses me to get around while it does its dirty work, like I’m some free taxi service. Ingrates!”
“Maybe if Navy got off its fat ass, it would score a dime piece for some birthday loving,” replied Marine Corps, flexing for added effect. “I’ll be 239 next month and I’ve got a bad lineup of bitches for my birthday ball. Jennifer Lawrence. Kate Upton. That one chick from Nickelodeon. Get on my level, know what I’m saying?”
“Let’s be honest,” added Army. “Navy is a basic bitch.”
At press time, Navy had taken to sharing its thoughts on social media. Despite the passing of another year without ceremony, Navy declared it was “#feelinginspired.”