FORT STEWART, Ga. — Spc. Peter Sims has finally decided on a Halloween costume that is sure to get him “some play this year,” since he will be attending the various parties and events dressed as a United States Marine, sources confirmed.
Sims, an intelligence analyst in 4-3 Special Troops Battalion (“Sentinel”), hit upon the idea after watching a group of Marines in a bar in downtown Savannah over the summer.
“So these guys were in full Marine getup, with the fancy jackets and the white gloves and whatnot, and they just looked all kinds of squared away. I think they had just come from a buddy’s wedding or something,” Sims explained. “These guys were the dumbest, ugliest primates in the whole place, but it’s like they were automatic 10's just because they were wearing the uniform. And all the bitches in the place just started salivating over them the moment they came in.”
None of the other males in the Savannah bar were able to attract any ladies and the group of jarheads left the bar with, in Sims’ estimation, at least 1.4 females for every Marine.
“I’m pretty sure they’re not even allowed to wear those uniforms out in public anymore, especially in a bar,” Sims added. “But whatever: the point is, it gave me the idea to capitalize on the mountains of pussy that they get.”
So Sims went down to the orange, pumpkin-shaped tent in the parking lot by the Toys R Us across from the mall and tried to find a U.S. Marine Corps dress uniform costume. Unfortunately he had no luck finding an authentic-looking facsimile.
“All they had were these ‘Lil Devil Dog’ costumes for, like, eight-year-olds.”
Undeterred, he spent most of August meticulously researching Marine regulations to ensure accuracy, and September ordering the uniform items and accoutrements. For the last week, Sims has been painstakingly assembling the uniform, and now believes it to be nearly 100% accurate.
“This is going to be great!” he said on Thursday evening, surveying the results in his barracks room mirror. “I’m going to be drippin’ in bitches!”
When his roommate, Spc. Jeremy Wu, pointed out that he might get in trouble for “stolen valor,” Sims disagreed.
“Pfft,” he replied, waving his hand dismissively. “I’m not actually claiming to be a Marine. I’m just pretending to be one for the purposes of getting some drunk chick dressed as a slutty nurse to smash with me. That’s literally the furthest thing from ‘stolen valor’ you can get. Stolen valor and stolen virtue are worlds apart.”
At press time, Sims was reportedly barely able to contain his anticipation of scoring some of that sweet Halloween spook-tang.