PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — Admitting that he is inconsolably irritated and just doesn’t understand why, numerous sources confirmed that local Applebee’s waiter Samuel Higgins has not yet once been thanked for his customer service early Sunday.
Higgins, 23, a Philadelphia native and Air Force veteran, is reportedly drowning in a flood of ingratitude and Spinach & Artichoke Dip as he haplessly struggles to upright his self-respect along with two teetering serving trays in either hand.
“You know, I just wish people knew what we in the service industry go through every day,” says Higgins. “It’s not easy to take orders and execute them under stress in a timely and reliable manner, day in and day out.
“Not everyone is cut out for this line of work,” he adds over the resounding smash of china, as table four’s “2 for $20” lunch leaves his hand and crashes to the floor.
Regular patrons report that the perpetually surly Higgins is more cantankerous than usual, no doubt a result of everyone’s inexplicable failure to express recognition for his fumbled orders, snarky demeanor and suffocating sense of entitlement for “actually having done something with [his] life.”
Indeed, coworkers agree that Higgins might just be one conniption away from “completely losing his shit.”
“I mean, I know he was just a supply clerk and never deployed outside of the United States,” confides Higgins’ shift manager, Mary Kent, “but I’m pretty sure those guys still get PTSD.”
“Only 15 percent?” Higgins cries incredulously, waving his paltry tip in a customer’s face. “You know, we civilians don’t get a housing allowance like those pampered flyboys. And they get thanked for their service all the time.”
“I’ll tell you what, though,” says Higgins. “Veterans’ Day is the absolute worst.”