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REPORT: Ashton Kutcher On Short List For Secretary Of Defense

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announcing his resignation on Monday, rumors and speculation about possible successors have gripped beltway insiders.

Sources tell Duffel Blog that President Obama may be seeking a Hail Mary to deflect attention from executive action on immigration and problems in the middle east. The latest rumor that has congressional staffers running for cover is that TV and film star Ashton Kutcher may be the president’s nominee for the Pentagon’s top job.

Kutcher, whose only military experience was a week-long boot camp training to play a Coast Guard rescue swimmer in the 2006 flop “The Guardian” alongside fellow big screen valor stealer Kevin Costner, is receiving cautious welcome among Democrats.

According to one Kutcher pal, Rep. Joe Kennedy (D-Mass.) has asked for a private meeting with Kutcher’s wife Mila Kunis, or at least with Kutcher’s ex, Demi Moore, for “vetting purposes.”

When Duffel Blog reached leading Senate Republicans to ask for comment, all responded with dumbfounded dismay.

“Are you [expletive] serious? Are you [expletive] [expletive] serious?” ranking Armed Services Committee member Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) said, before asking this reporter to hold, then yelling for a staffer to “Get [House Speaker John] Boehner on the line, and get an impeachment team together!” An unprintable stream of profanity continued for approximately two and a half minutes.

Former “Two and a Half Men” co-star Charlie Sheen, famous for his military roles in “Platoon,” “Hot Shots!” “Hot Shots! Part Deux,” and “Hot Shots in Hollywood Hookers” was very enthusiastic.

“Ashton will party like his finger is on the damn button, man!” Sheen said. “He’ll make Hagel look like a goddam nun. Who’s got two thumbs and is ready for a $300 million hot tub? This guy!”

Kutcher’s publicist said that while his client had not yet heard from the president, his 2009 pledge “to be a servant to Barack Obama” still stood, and it would ”be an honor just to be nominated.”

CORRECTION: We previously identified the next possible Secretary of Defense as Ashton Kutcher. It is actually Ashton Carter, whom we’ve never heard of but are sure is much more qualified. We apologize for the error.

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Kelli Couch

I suppose the previous reports of Tom Cruise being nominated must be false as well, since he played a JAG officer once, thereby having enough military experience required by this current administration. Oh well, there’s always next year.

Jonah Kyle

Obviously, this column was created because of the malapropism of the proposed Secretary’s name (Ashton Carter) with that of the actor (Ashton Kutcher). Still extremely funny! (Though I would list about 37 other issues to impeach Obama over before this clown’s nomination.)

Jake Waxman

Doctrine Man!! for Sec Def.

David May

Better than Beiber!

Chris Connell

I nominate General James Mattis!


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