YOKOSUKA, Japan — Wishing all men were half the man he is, steadfast sources aboard the USS George Washington (CVN-73) confirmed today that Operations Specialist 1st Class Jeremy Leer is an unparalleled bastion of masculine gentility.
Proclaiming he is incontestably without equal, the Washington’s entire female compliment unanimously agreed that the debonair Leer is hands down the most gallant and chivalrous gentleman to ever cross their path, especially if that path happened to be in the restricted confines of a crowded passageway or in a small, dimly-lit space.
“I usually see him in the gym, and I can always feel his eyes on me, especially when I’m doing squats or my yoga routine,” gushed Lt. j.g. Patricia Stewart. “It’s really comforting … like, he has my back, you know?”
“Leer is just so charming,” added an equally smitten Fire Controlman 2nd Class Pamela Cazares. “Every time I have to go up a ladderwell, he lets me go first, even if he’s running late. And whenever I have to climb out of a scuttle, he’s always there to boost me up and give me a reassuring squeeze. He is just really thoughtful.”
Leer, however, humbly maintains that he was simply raised with a profound appreciation for women and ingrained since the earliest days of his pubescent years to always lend a helping hand.
“I’m just looking out for my shipmates,” the bona fide Leer said. “I’m the kind of sailor who won’t hesitate to grab an IP [Irish pennant] off of someone’s chest, especially if she is struggling with obvious future lower back problems. Serving women brings me great pleasure.”
Indeed, the Washington’s female contingent universally subscribes to the tenet that Leer’s hands-on approach is the lone vestige of male civility, adding that all other men are pigs and the notion of the “independent woman who don’t need no man” is a grossly dated concept.
Even so, the genteel Leer doesn’t restrict his meaningful considerations to corporal works, going out of his way to compliment each and every female sailor he encounters, greeting them with thoughtful particulars such as “shawty” or “sugar tits.”
“If all men strove to emulate his gallant courtesies, we wouldn’t be dealing with the pervasive rape culture plaguing our society,” said Chief Operations Specialist Denise Harden, the command’s Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Coordinator. “Leer is going to make a great chief someday.”