Pentagon: Troops Without ‘Ebola Awareness Certificate’ Will Be Locked Down To Base

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Top safety officers in the Pentagon ordered a military-wide safety stand down so all service members can be told that Ebola is a bad disease, Duffel Blog has learned.

Doctors with knowledge of the briefing said that service members will be shown “Overreaction And Media Hype,” a 90 slide PowerPoint detailing how to avoid a disease that has affected nine Americans.

After the briefing, service members must pass a quiz to receive their Ebola Awareness certificate. Anyone without the certificate is to be considered a public health risk and not allowed to leave base.

The training begins with slides saying “Ebola is a disease” and “You should try to avoid catching Ebola,” information that some service members apparently didn’t know. The presentation continues with a slide that states “The virus is only transferable by direct contact, so don’t touch someone if they’re bleeding from their eyeballs, nose, mouth, anus, or pretty much at all.”

“Wow, good thing someone told me that,” said Cpl. Rick Wayne, total idiot. “I’ve been rubbing sick people’s blood all over me for years. Next they’re going to tell me not to roll around in feces.”

“Ebola came from fruit bats,” the PowerPoint states, “So don’t eat bats or fruit as they may be high in Ebola content.”

Cooks agreed that made sense but wondered how they were going to cook meatloaf.

“Overreaction And Media Hype” follows in the footsteps of the classic PowerPoints “Holding Onto The Back Of A Speedboat and Being Drug Through The Water At Top Speed Is Not Safe” and “You Use Your Hands To Work,” training that has saved thousands of lives.