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Pentagon: Troops Without ‘Ebola Awareness Certificate’ Will Be Locked Down To Base

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Top safety officers in the Pentagon ordered a military-wide safety stand down so all service members can be told that Ebola is a bad disease, Duffel Blog has learned.

Doctors with knowledge of the briefing said that service members will be shown “Overreaction And Media Hype,” a 90 slide PowerPoint detailing how to avoid a disease that has affected nine Americans.

After the briefing, service members must pass a quiz to receive their Ebola Awareness certificate. Anyone without the certificate is to be considered a public health risk and not allowed to leave base.

The training begins with slides saying “Ebola is a disease” and “You should try to avoid catching Ebola,” information that some service members apparently didn’t know. The presentation continues with a slide that states “The virus is only transferable by direct contact, so don’t touch someone if they’re bleeding from their eyeballs, nose, mouth, anus, or pretty much at all.”

“Wow, good thing someone told me that,” said Cpl. Rick Wayne, total idiot. “I’ve been rubbing sick people’s blood all over me for years. Next they’re going to tell me not to roll around in feces.”

“Ebola came from fruit bats,” the PowerPoint states, “So don’t eat bats or fruit as they may be high in Ebola content.”

Cooks agreed that made sense but wondered how they were going to cook meatloaf.

“Overreaction And Media Hype” follows in the footsteps of the classic PowerPoints “Holding Onto The Back Of A Speedboat and Being Drug Through The Water At Top Speed Is Not Safe” and “You Use Your Hands To Work,” training that has saved thousands of lives.

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Josh Noble
1 year 11 months ago

Avoid ‘Ebola Mary.’ She’ll give you a gift you can’t return.

Mandy MacDonald
1 year 11 months ago

How am I gonna find time to do this one? Between anthrax, depleted uranium, SARs, hand grenades, summer AND winter safety, summer AND winter driving safety, all the ‘secs, smuggling (people and product) awareness, and others I hardly have time to read Duffle blog between ppts.

Stej Bosnjak
1 year 11 months ago

Some soldiers may recognise the Ebola PowerPoint looks suspiciously like the SARS one they had to sit through a few years back

Timothy Okey
1 year 11 months ago

Damn! I have been so busy with my own little wruld, I must have missed the alert. What is this
Elboa? Is that an Italy word? How do I find out if I have one? Damned 1% Amerikkkan government! Some one please help me!!!!

1 year 11 months ago



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