‘I Killed Osama Bin Laden’: A 5.56mm Bullet Tells His Story
WASHINGTON D.C. — Just days after former Navy SEAL Team 6 member Rob O’Neill kicked off an ugly row by saying that he killed Osama bin Laden, a single 5.56mm bullet has stepped forward to claim responsibility.
Sources confirmed the copper-jacketed lead NATO-compliant projectile — which hails from Lake City Army Ammunition Plant in northeastern Missouri — claims that both O’Neill’s and former SEAL Matt Bissonnette’s accounts of the raid on bin Laden’s Abbottobad compound in 2011 are completely false.
"Bissonnette's a liar," the bullet explained in an exclusive interview with Fox News' Megyn Kelly. "Not only a liar but a damn liar. He and O'Neill didn't do a thing to kill that terrorist scum. Me entering that goat-lover's cranium at 900 meters a second did! And let me tell you, the human brain is a disgusting place."
The bullet also revealed that his announcement had spurred a criminal investigation by the Pentagon, which accuses him of disclosing classified ballistics. "Things have worked out great though," the projectile said. "I've landed a great job with the Ferguson Police Department, a book deal and a ghost writer. I'm set!"
The bullet further stated that his decision to speak out was prompted by the loss of his retirement benefits, which would have begun only three months after the fateful day in which he was fired at supersonic speed out of the barrel of an M-4 carbine.
"That dickhead O'Neill is actually complaining about how he lost his bennies retiring at 16 years when every retard Joe, Dick and Dimpus in the force knows you need to put in all 20 to get 100 percent," the bullet explained. "Look, I'm not going to blame everything on losing thousands of my friends in Afghanistan, but it certainly didn't help. You know what I say to O'Neill? You should try getting splattered into a cement wall at Mach 2.5 you neck-bearded attention whore!"
At press time, the 5.56mm bullet's claim to fame is already being disputed by the other 29 rounds it shared a STANAG magazine with and the M-4 carbine that fired it. Additionally, a visibly deformed .458 SOCOM is insisting that the 5.56 is nothing but a pogue FOB-guarding bitch round that actually spent the whole war chambered in a Ugandan's rifle at the Kandahar chow hall.
Duffel Blog correspondent G-Had contributed to this article.