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Department Of The Army Diagnosed With ADHD

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of the Army has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) after failing to find a mission it both likes and will stick with, doctors confirmed Tuesday.

After years of retooling because “counterinsurgency is all that matters,” the Army abruptly launched a recent plan for a “Pacific pivot,” much to the annoyance of the Department of the Navy. 

“It’s like he just saw how shiny and nice Thailand is and wanted to send troops there to get in trouble for murdering transexuals. Doesn’t he already have enough soldiers in South Korea getting drunk and being arrested?” said the Department of the Navy.

Failing to get enough attention from the general U.S. populace and his weird Uncle Sam that may or may not have touched his budget in the closet, the Army decided to put more troops in Europe to prepare for a major land war that will “totally happen one day,” according to the Army.

“Yeah, like Asia right? Nah, EUROPE! Yeah, I know we had to pull out a few brigades and send them back to the US, which is why it’s a perfect time to send MOARRRR TROOPS TO EUROPE! GO! POLAND! LITHUANIA! ESTONIA! Fulda Gap, baby! Woooo!” wrote the Army in a recent email to the White House.

Sources indicate Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has privately told aides “the Army is already bored with Europe again and wants to make homeland coastal defense its mission,” as it was over 100 years ago.

Doctors at Walter Reed tell Duffel Blog that the Army’s ADHD is so bad that it can’t even be bothered to acknowledge the Coast Guard, whose existence is entirely based on coastal defense and volleyball matches.

Anonymous sources in the Secretary of Defense’s office have hinted that the Army may have already lost its motivation for coastal defense and has begun talking about returning to Iraq to fight another counterinsurgency mission, which is “the most important mission ever,” according to the Army.

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Thomas F Barton
1 year 10 months ago
12.2.14 FTA News Service Matters having been reviewed by the appropriate approving authority, the Department of Defense announced today that the Department of the Army has been chaptered out, separating that Department from further military service. Grounds include but are not limited to: a. Despite attempts to rehabilitate or develop him or her, further effort is unlikely to succeed. b. The retention of the Department could have adverse actions towards the military. c. Potential for advancement or leadership is unlikely. d. It is likely that the circumstances forming the basis for separation will continue. The Department will be eligible for… Read more »
Guy Cole
1 year 10 months ago

You want an ADHD poster child? Go find whoever it is that decides what the Navy is supposed to be wearing this FY. Slap them for me. Thank you.

Michael Davis
1 year 10 months ago

After waiting for fifteen years for its initial appointment, the Army got a prescription for Ritalin. Immediately following the administration of its first dose, DA was quoted as singing at the top of it’s lungs, “EVERYTHING IS AWESOOOOOOOME! EVERYTHING IS COOL WHEN YOU’RE PART OF THE TEAM!” DA then immediately swung into action and spent the next eight years and three hundred billion dollars reactivating the North American Camel Corps.

Kawika Lavarias
1 year 10 months ago

should’ve included are annual uniform pattern change.

Dan Widge
1 year 10 months ago

I was wondering about this. How many times have they, wait, you know, I was thinking, wait, where is the….oh, heckwhat was I talking about


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