Army-Navy Game Prepares West Pointers For Similar Battlefield Results

45

BALTIMORE, Md. — The Army-Navy Game has provided critical insight into the effort it takes to fight futilely for an unattainable victory to future Army second lieutenants for more than a decade, and that’s all a part of the plan, Duffel Blog has learned.

The Army’s record-breaking 12-game losing streak against the Naval Academy is actually an experiment to build officer resiliency for the military’s next impossible war, according to one senior West Point official.

“We’re going to win this time!” U.S. Army Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond T. Odierno is expected to exclaim to a crowd of crestfallen cadets in the locker room of M&T Bank Stadium, unconsciously echoing both William Westmoreland in 1971 and Secretary of Defense Charles Hagel last Friday. “It’s a mathematical certainty! After losing 12 times in a row, it’s lucky number 13 for us this year!”

Gen. Odierno will fail to mention that he had made identical statements in years previous regarding the lucky numbers “3,” “5,” “6,” “7,” “10,” “11″ and “12.”

“I wish he wouldn’t say ‘us’ when referring to the Army Football Team,” grumbled fourth-year cadet Robert Maymeister while eavesdropping on the locker room pep talk. “These asshats do not represent me. If this were a competition between any other teams the NCAA would have stopped it by now for sanctioning domestic violence. Now the mission creep has gotten so bad that we have to ride an all-night bus ride to be in Baltimore by 0400 to practice the march-on.”

“Look at this way,” a leaked document of Gen. Odierno’s prepared remarks reveal. “Even at 0-12, we’ve still beaten Navy more recently than we’ve beaten any of America’s actual enemies! And we got new uniforms this year for you, just like last year and the year before that! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

Sources report that the Army Football Team has a 3rd Quarter exit strategy to hand over control of the ball to the Afghan National Football Team, which is expected to immediately defect.