HQ, Your Unit— The Regimental Commander is utterly perplexed as to why his troops aren’t excited to participate in a holiday-themed motivational run planned before the Christmas 96 this season, sources at headquarters report.
Sources say the CO has gone out of his way to stress participants enjoy themselves, wear Santa hats, reindeer antlers, funny elf ears, and even encouraged the use of sleigh bells tied in shoe laces.
“Our entire regiment has busted their ass in the past few months with little-to-no time off. I want them to understand how much I appreciate it,” said the CO. “The best way I know how to do that is get the entire unit on the road and acknowledge their efforts with a little morale boosting PT session.”
Despite his efforts, the CO remains stumped as to why there isn’t more enthusiasm to get up early and run around the base dressed like fairies.
“I didn’t want to interfere with any operational commitments my subordinate commanders may have. That’s why we’re scheduled to step off at 0500,” said the CO. “I’m really trying to look out for them. This is supposed to be fun.”
He went on to rhapsodize about the euphoric high runners experience as peptides activate the body’s opiate receptors, causing an analgesic effect. This Christmas the CO feels his troops deserve “the gift of endorphins.”
Sources reporting from the barracks smoke pit admit they are skeptical the moto run will be as easy as they’ve been led to believe.
“Moto-Santa will probably chain us all to an M1A1 tank,” said an unnamed source. “Then he’ll force us to pull him up and down the main drag as he hands out bronze stars to every officer on his staff.”