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BREAKING: Your Christmas Leave Is Cancelled


YOUR LEAVE ADDRESS — Sources confirmed on this joyous and wonderful Christmas morning that your much-earned leave block far, far away from the flag pole to spend time with your family has just been cancelled.

“It would behoove you to stop opening goddamn presents and get your ass back to base,” said your company first sergeant, momentarily pausing from distributing coal and charge sheets at a nearby barracks. “Besides, troops on deployment aren’t home this Christmas, so neither should you.”

When questioned about when you might get a break, your battalion sergeant major was incensed. “A break? Not getting shot at by the Taliban is a break,” he said. “We obviously need to conduct more PMCS around here, I can still see the bluing on our weapons.”

No doubt wearing a huge smile while conducting a phone interview with reporters, senior defense officials said your brief respite at home may be good for morale but mission accomplishment is paramount. This ironically includes completing suicide awareness training, hazing, and a holiday safety stand down “before the end of the year.” Sources also report you have been scheduled for an interview with your Career Counselor about reenlistment.

“There is a reason we call it a leave ‘request,'” your battalion sergeant major said. “We simply denied it. Get your head and ass wired and back here soonest.”

At press time, you had chipped three teeth while grinding them in rage, making you Class 3 Dental.

Investigative reporter Lee Ho Fuk contributed reporting.

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