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BREAKING: Your Christmas Leave Is Cancelled

YOUR LEAVE ADDRESS — Sources confirmed on this joyous and wonderful Christmas morning that your much-earned leave block far, far away from the flag pole to spend time with your family has just been cancelled.

“It would behoove you to stop opening goddamn presents and get your ass back to base,” said your company first sergeant, momentarily pausing from distributing coal and charge sheets at a nearby barracks. “Besides, troops on deployment aren’t home this Christmas, so neither should you.”

When questioned about when you might get a break, your battalion sergeant major was incensed. “A break? Not getting shot at by the Taliban is a break,” he said. “We obviously need to conduct more PMCS around here, I can still see the bluing on our weapons.”

No doubt wearing a huge smile while conducting a phone interview with reporters, senior defense officials said your brief respite at home may be good for morale but mission accomplishment is paramount. This ironically includes completing suicide awareness training, hazing, and a holiday safety stand down “before the end of the year.” Sources also report you have been scheduled for an interview with your Career Counselor about reenlistment.

“There is a reason we call it a leave ‘request,'” your battalion sergeant major said. “We simply denied it. Get your head and ass wired and back here soonest.”

At press time, you had chipped three teeth while grinding them in rage, making you Class 3 Dental.

Investigative reporter Lee Ho Fuk contributed reporting.

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Herman Nelson

Hmmm… This first shirt must hang out with a fucktard 2 star who has the same ideas.

Joseph Diamond

Good news for godless pagans ( & commie bastards),

Know that Saturnalia is just ending and the winter solstice needs support. Christmas leave is in there somewhere. So knock back a few before making plans to think about a rushed RTB. Mars would want it that way.


Josh Noble

I don’t see how any of this is wrong. Since when is leave something to be desired? You volunteered to fight for your nation 24/7, not take paid time off with those you love and protect.

It’s not as if you had planned to do anything besides jerk off to German bestiality porn in your parents’ extra bedroom anyway. Put that time to better use. Such as cleaning cigarette butts from the parking lot and making the sergeant major’s coffee with your special cream.

Kelli Couch

Did the poor fighting Joes get a break at the Battle of the Bulge? Island hopping in the Pacific? What about all those in WWI? See? Life isn’t that bad, so you have to put up with your transgendered roommate who isn’t sure if they want to keep their penis or trade it in on a new vagina… obviously life isn’t that bad! Besides, this time next year, you will probably be deployed and enjoying your Christmas in a porta-potty in some god-forsaken country with a name you can’t accurately pronounce anyway.


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