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Army Dive School Quietly Changes ‘I Can’t Breathe’ Unit Motto

KEY WEST, Fla. — The U.S. Army has quietly forced the Special Forces Underwater Operations School to change its unit motto of ‘I Can’t Breathe’ after fifteen years, Duffel Blog has learned.

“To drown-proof combat divers, we make them pass out underwater from lack of air,” said Master Sgt. Chuck Tandory, an instructor at the school. “Mentally, it’s the most important part of the SCUBA course. ‘I Can’t Breathe’ sums it all up.”

Since the same motto has now been adopted by supporters of Eric Garner and civil rights activists, Army leadership has directed the Dive School to step aside to avoid criticism.

“Dive School had it first,” noted Sgt. 1st Class James McMillan, also an instructor. “Civil rights activists should be forced to change their motto. Our guys just went through the same slogan battle with Combatives school last year.”

“Don’t forget about the Chem unit that tried stealing it,” added Tandory.

“We already have a bunch of sweet unit PT gear with that motto, too,” McMillan exclaimed, throwing a sweatshirt printed with skulls and sharks into the swimming pool. “I have a dream that one day, higher won’t be so damn politically correct.”

“Don’t worry, we’re going to change the motto to something less controversial,” Tandory promised. “We have a new one that promotes universal rules of engagement instead of combat diver training: ‘Hands Up, Don’t Shoot.’ I already had the shirts printed.”

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Michael Werner

The motto, “I can’t breathe!” was originated by a drunken Combat Diver student desperately trying to “replace” his regulator while facedown in the shitter at Sloppy Joe’s. His subsequent “mottos” that night were “I can’t walk!”; “I can’t see!”; and “This girl has a dick!”

Danny Meeker

Best. Blog. Ever.

Greg Lemke


LLoyd Red Carroll

Seems like a plan to me. No one ever pays attention to Army unit motto’s anyway so who would notice if they change besides I always thought SF types wanted to remain incognito.

Patrick B Gawne

Wait. The Army has a dive school? Does the Navy have a tank battalion, too?


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