KOBANI, Syria — Hector Bazinet, a Belgian citizen and self-described “gaming fanatic” who left home to join the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) earlier this year currently has an abysmal kill-to-death ratio, Duffel Blog has learned.
“It’s time to put my years of training and experience to good use,” Bazinet wrote on his Facebook page before leaving home. “The infidels are about to get fucking rekt.”
Two months ago, Bazinet crossed the Turkish border into Iraq and met with his ISIL handler who issued him a real AK-47 which sources confirmed was “very loud and hurt his shoulder.” Bazinet was then sent to Syria to take part in sustained fighting against pro-government forces entrenched in the city of Kobani. During his time in the city, the young fighter killed zero people — and having been in the immediate vicinity of a Hellfire missile strike which atomized every cell in his body — now has a death count of one.
The overall kill-to-death ratio of zero has left many of his internet friends deeply concerned.
“He was level 51 in Modern Warfare,” said high school freshman Patrick Wilson, captain of Bazinet’s Call of Duty clan ‘Skrillex MILF Explosion.’ “I’ve seen him finish a team deathmatch with 28-2.”
Bazinet was able to maintain his blog for the majority of his time in Iraq and Syria, periodically updating it with obscenity-laced invective directed at Western governments, as well as plaintive begging for people back home to mail him some food and Mountain Dew. He also expressed frustration that real enemies often utilize cover during firefights, have really good AI, and typically attack when you aren’t ready to play yet. Prophetically, perhaps, Bazinet also lamented the fact that none of his League of Legends prowess translated to fighting over the lanes of an urban battlefield.
“No one here knows how to jungle,” Bazinet wrote the day before he was incinerated. “There are no reticles when you shoot, it’s really hard to keep track of how many bullets you have, and running for more than a minute or so is exhausting.”
As there is no such thing as respawning, it is likely that Bazinet’s current score of 0-1 will stand for eternity, a sore disappointment to the gamers who knew him, and a reminder to all that America probably uses hacks.