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Gamer Who Joined ISIS Has Terrible Kill-To-Death Ratio

KOBANI, Syria — Hector Bazinet, a Belgian citizen and self-described “gaming fanatic” who left home to join the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) earlier this year currently has an abysmal kill-to-death ratio, Duffel Blog has learned.

“It’s time to put my years of training and experience to good use,” Bazinet wrote on his Facebook page before leaving home. “The infidels are about to get fucking rekt.”

Two months ago, Bazinet crossed the Turkish border into Iraq and met with his ISIL handler who issued him a real AK-47 which sources confirmed was “very loud and hurt his shoulder.” Bazinet was then sent to Syria to take part in sustained fighting against pro-government forces entrenched in the city of Kobani. During his time in the city, the young fighter killed zero people — and having been in the immediate vicinity of a Hellfire missile strike which atomized every cell in his body — now has a death count of one.

The overall kill-to-death ratio of zero has left many of his internet friends deeply concerned.

“He was level 51 in Modern Warfare,” said high school freshman Patrick Wilson, captain of Bazinet’s Call of Duty clan ‘Skrillex MILF Explosion.’ “I’ve seen him finish a team deathmatch with 28-2.”

Bazinet was able to maintain his blog for the majority of his time in Iraq and Syria, periodically updating it with obscenity-laced invective directed at Western governments, as well as plaintive begging for people back home to mail him some food and Mountain Dew. He also expressed frustration that real enemies often utilize cover during firefights, have really good AI, and typically attack when you aren’t ready to play yet. Prophetically, perhaps, Bazinet also lamented the fact that none of his League of Legends prowess translated to fighting over the lanes of an urban battlefield.

“No one here knows how to jungle,” Bazinet wrote the day before he was incinerated. “There are no reticles when you shoot, it’s really hard to keep track of how many bullets you have, and running for more than a minute or so is exhausting.”

As there is no such thing as respawning, it is likely that Bazinet’s current score of 0-1 will stand for eternity, a sore disappointment to the gamers who knew him, and a reminder to all that America probably uses hacks.

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Michelle Lee
Guest

Someone please tell me this is satire…please….

Marion Estrella
Guest

its not real but fun article

William P. Homans
Guest
THIS IS SATIRE. NO SUCH REAL PERSON. Duffelblog runs lots of such military-related satires. Here’s an example: AWOL Private Returns After Seven Years With Box Of Grid Squares B January 2, 2013 Army 4 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Private Steven Gerner disappeared seven years ago, officially listed as AWOL. His family, friends and Army buddies all assumed he’d had an accident or lost his nerve and no one ever expected to see him again. He returned yesterday, only to find himself arrested by Military Police. What happened in between is a tale too implausible to… Read more »
William P. Homans
Guest

If this does happen to be real, someone should “see to” the American highschool gamers that are disappointed that this person didn’t kill more people.

Tanner Knight
Guest

I feel dumber now that I’ve read this

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