THE PENTAGON — A new gender integration study set to be released this week found that nearly 96 percent of infantrymen in the Army and Marine Corps would be “very excited” to have women integrated into their units, especially during combat deployments, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Naturally there were some patterns we saw after issuing the surveys,” Maj. Rodrick Hamill, a spokesman for the Pentagon, told reporters. “Almost all soldiers who described themselves as ‘pro female’ insisted that the women inducted be in top physical condition, and disease-free.”
While Hamill noted the disease-free requirement seemed strange, he indicated it had been included in almost every survey’s additional comments section.
“I mean everyone is screened before deployment, so it’s really a no-brainer,” he said. “Many soldiers also had a strange preference as to the hair color of the infantrywomen, indicating that they would prefer blondes, brunettes, and then redheads, in that order. I’m not sure what that had to do with the rigors of combat, but the results don’t lie.”
The survey also found nearly 78 percent of men deployed in combat who had been in close proximity with female troops reported having ‘satisfying’ or ‘extremely satisfying’ interactions with members of the opposite sex, a finding Pentagon leaders believe goes against contemporary arguments against integration.
“Most respondents also suggested that prospective infantrywomen submit head and full-body photos to a potential unit so they can ensure the soldier is physically capable of meeting the demands of combat,” Hamill added.
At press time, a Pentagon spokesman told reporters that, although a majority of the responses were well thought out and professional, 41,234 surveys had to be discarded when the final question was answered with ‘I like big boobz’ or similarly-worded phrases.