SAN DIEGO, Calif. – Sports nutrition giant GNC plans to release a new pre-workout smokeless tobacco product some time in 2015, Duffel Blog has learned. The experimental energy/nicotine product, codenamed “Tobaccosplode,” was designed for the warrior/athlete market niche that pervades the armed forces.
“Dipping and abuse of pre-workout supplements are both cultural trademarks of the military,” a GNC internal memorandum says. “By combining the two, our company hopes to help America field a force of stronger, angrier warriors with a litany of bizarre heart conditions.”
Human trials of the new product conducted at Marine Base Camp Pendleton have yielded overwhelmingly positive results. Marines and sailors who used the Tobaccosplode reported that it significantly increased their desire to “get their fucking pump on.”
Paradoxically, users also reported profound erectile dysfunction, paired with a nearly pathological explosion in libido, resulting in a 600 percent increase in incidents of Marines dry humping inanimate objects and/or their battle buddies.
“Greatest product ever!” an anonymous test subject raved on an evaluation form. “I’ve added 100 pounds to my leg press in under a week, gave myself tennis elbow from high-fiving my bros so much, and instead of sleeping, I just throw in another dip and start roundhouse kicking shit in my house.”
Tobaccospode works through a proprietary blend of supplements and a hybridized strain of nicotine derived from the botanical fusion of tobacco and poppy flowers grown in a medium of gunpowder, bull fertilizer, and bald eagle claws.
Along with the nicotine blend, codenamed “Max Nicoffeinol,” the dip also includes Creatine, Taurine, Semenine, L-Citrulline, L-Arginine, L-Powernine, Rad Dopeanine and Splenda. Chemical absorption of Max Nicoffeinol through oral cell membranes is expedited by GNC’s proprietary blend of added fiberglass and porcelain shards, which cut a bunch of holes in your mouth so the dip can just shit drugs right into your bloodstream.
One “three-fingered pinch” of Tobaccosplode is the recommended dosage for any one hour period of normal activity, or “one every 2-3 sets” when conducting strenuous exercise. Use during exercise is guaranteed to eliminate fatigue, increase gains, maximize swol, and improve yell volume during heavy reps.
GNC’s projected price point is $11.99 per can with a recommended 240 can maximum intake per 30-day cycle. Cycling off Tobaccosplode, however, is not recommended. Always use a spitter when using Tobaccosplode, as the expectorate byproduct is extremely toxic. Side-effects of use may include insomnia, weight loss, Swedish accent, manic malaise, explosive pregnancy, urinary diarrhea, detachable skin, fur tongue, cancer and frostbite.
Tobaccosplode will come in four different flavors; Wintergreen, Sexual Tyrannosaurus, Fudge Brownie and America.