Brian Williams Enlists To Prove You Were All Wrong About Him
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Brian Williams’ suspension from Nightly News came about to allow the 55-year-old journalist time to enlist in the U.S. Marines, according to a new report from NBC News.
Williams could not be reached for comment, declining to say anything except that he can’t wait until “people see [him] as a bad-ass again.”
“This is great for the network,” NBC News President Deborah Turness told Duffel Blog. “With Williams’ penchant for exaggeration, a real-life combat experience will yield taller tales and higher ratings than ever before.”
Williams was originally going to commission as an officer, but at the last second his processing station finally realized that Williams’ honorary doctoral degrees were not actual diplomas, and that Williams had never even finished college.
VA Secretary Robert McDonald assured reporters that Williams’ future stories will be more trustworthy.
“Williams and I spoke before he shipped out,” said McDonald. “When I told him about my own experience as an embedded journalist during the Iraq war, we bonded over memories of how many ISIS we killed back then.
“I told Brian not to worry, and that once he graduated Basic Training I would set him up with my old Special Forces platoon in SEAL Team 7.”
Williams’ replacement Lester Holt told Duffel Blog that he was impressed by Williams’ resolve. “He has always been a fierce, dangerous man, but now you have questioned his honor,” Holt said.
“You called him a phony, but now you all look like a bunch of insecure exaggerators, going to extremes for your egos.”
At press time, Williams’ training unit told Duffel Blog that Williams had fit right in, swapping other people’s war stories with kids retelling the horrors of Call of Duty combat experiences.