ISIS Launches Salsa Night For Morale, Ends With 39 Beheaded
MOSUL, Iraq — The Islamic State (ISIS), has taken a play from the American military handbook by hosting a Salsa Night in Mosul, sources in the Caliphate confirmed. The event was intended for soldiers of ISIS to unwind and let loose in an otherwise austere forward deployed environment. Tragically, the inaugural Salsa Night ended with 39 beheaded for dancing.
“We’re here on what the devil Americans used to call FOB Marez and we saw posters for something called ‘Salsa Night at the MWR,'” said Ibn Al-Walid, an ISIS commander in the area. “I decided that maybe my soldiers could use some downtime when they come off the front lines in the north where fighting with the Kurds is a daily occurrence. I like salsa as much as the next guy, especially with the right kind of chips. You know, the kind that you can scoop with.”
The culture barrier between American and ISIS forces became apparent when several foreign fighters who travelled to Mosul to join ISIS showed up for Salsa Night.
“Here I was, thinking I’d serve a great buffet of miraculously halal salsa to my tired troops when one of these American Daeshbags starts doing a dance based on the decadent morals of the West!” said Al-Walid. Sources reported foreign fighters joined in with the American, dancing and smiling, and with morale obviously rising.
“I can’t think of anything more disgusting than dancing! I could feel the wrath of Allah emanating from the heavens at the sight of it! Once, my twelve year old slave wife tried to do a sexy dance for me so I burned her alive! There is nothing sexy about dancing, it is offensive and a sin!” Al-Walid exclaimed.
Al-Walid says he saw the dancers’ smiles and the way they were moving their bodies and was repulsed.
“How dare they turn salsa night into an affront to Allah! So, like a true Muslim, I had them all beheaded for dancing,” said Al-Walid.
Sources report 39 fighters were beheaded, with some ISIS militants hailing the murders as “a great spiritual victory against repugnant and destructive Western sin.”
Al-Walid confirmed that he would cancel salsa night but was planning on holding a Halo Tournament at the MWR next week where participants would throw sharp metal discs at apostates.