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Coast Guard Defends Baltimore’s Inner Harbor Hard Rock Cafe

BALTIMORE, Md. — Nearly 300 Coast Guard personnel mobilized from USCG Base Portsmouth, Va. early Thursday and vowed to “valiantly defend” Baltimore’s Inner Harbor Hard Rock Cafe from rioters, the service said in a news release.

A fleet of Port Security and Coastal Patrol Boats received orders to surround the restaurant, each equipped with ARMA-100 Rapid-Fire Beanbag Guns and holding tanks full of pepper spray.

Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan, who has already issued a curfew for city residents and called in the National Guard, felt the move was completely unnecessary.

“There is literally nothing happening at the Hard Rock Cafe,” Hogan said. “I did not call for nor do I support that decision. Things are finally calming down, so if anything this will only make people confused and angry.”

At a press conference to explain the move, Coast Guard Commandant Paul Zukunft told reporters that he “fucking loves the Hard Rock,” and would defend it at all costs.

“I chaperoned my son’s field trip to the Baltimore Aquarium last Fall, and when we went to the Hard Rock for lunch I was blown away by the ambiance and the three story neon-light electric guitar at the entrance. I won’t be the one to sit back and let the crown jewel of Baltimore’s Inner Harbor fall to some crazy looters.”

Zukunft outlined a general harbor defense plan which will protect other key economic positions on the waterfront as well. Restaurants with more than 3 stars on Yelp will have 24-hour surveillance and any additional rioters attempting to arrive in the city via ship will be detained.

“We’ve already rescued several Hooters refugees and are keeping them aboard until the riots stop. They really put up a fight at first but once they settle down they’ll realize we’ve saved their lives,” said Coast Guard Seaman Ryan Berger, whipping off his aviator sunglasses.

Berger wants Baltimore residents to rest easy knowing the Coast Guard is keeping watchful eye over their beloved Inner Harbor Hard Rock Cafe.

“There’s a light at the end of this race-relations tunnel. Rolling Stone Lobster Rolls and KoRn-Dogs Appetizers will be waiting for all of you when the fires are out.”

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