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Following Top Secret Leak, David Petraeus Reinstated As CIA Director, Given Backpay

WASHINGTON — David Petraeus has been reinstated as CIA Director and given $2.2 million in backpay following new legislation that decriminalizes the leak of top secret information, as long as it is done by people who have deep political connections or fame.

Congress unanimously passed legislation on Friday that takes into account a convicted person’s sociopolitical rank before passing sentence on a convicted criminal, particularly when it comes to matters of national security. In this controversial bill, lawmakers standardized the long-standing practice of allowing high-ranking political and military figures to break the law without any fear of the consequences, which has inspired a collective sigh of relief from nearly everyone in authority anywhere.

The bill, which quickly passed in both the House and the Senate, establishes a complicated algorithm by which sentences for crimes are reduced based on a number of factors, such as net worth, political clout, number of active lobbyists making trips to their family pool, and degrees of separation from the Kennedy family.

The release of classified information — information, “the unauthorized disclosure of which reasonably could be expected to cause exceptionally grave damage to the national security” — received its own amendment in the bill. The amendment decriminalizes the release of highly-sensitive national security information by high-ranking military retirees or political leaders for the purposes of impressing friends at bars, delivering the punchline to a really good joke, or saying something ignorant during a press conference.

“People are making a big deal about this law,” President Obama said after signing the bill, “but we’re just putting on paper what we’ve been doing forever. If you look at it that way, it kind of looks like Congress is finally getting organized about something.”

The law comes just in time for the now-reinstated CIA Director David Petraeus, who was convicted of revealing classified information to solidify his chances at lovemaking — another caveat present in the bill’s amendment — but received no jail time for his actions.

“Come on,” Petraeus said in an interview, making a “honk-honk” groping gesture with both his hands. “Did you see that chick? Totally worth it. Definitely going to miss that $200,000, though. That’s like, a couple weeks’ pay, right there.”

Former CIA officer John Kiriakou, who failed to lead the surge in Iraq or rise to director of the agency before he leaked classified information, was not available for comment.

“These high-level, connected guys, a lot of them have less life left to live, you know?” one senior official wrote, in a document leaked to Duffel Blog reporters. “They just can’t afford to spend their retirement in jail. It wouldn’t be fair. A private or low-level analyst, on the other hand … well, someone has to be made an example of. And they’ll have plenty of life ahead of him after he serves his 30 years in prison for leaving an intel report in his backpack when he left post.”

In an unrelated story, an unnamed member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence was caught on a hot mic saying he wanted “[Edward Snowden’s] ass fried.”

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