WASHINGTON — United States and Russian Nuclear Forces went on high alert Thursday after New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski spiked the nuclear football during a ceremony on the South Lawn.
After the so-called “football”— actually a $14,000 Halliburton attache case — shattered, nuclear launch codes were strewn amongst the assembled reporters, well wishers and jock sniffers. Secret Service agents drunkenly stumbled about, retrieving them. Gronkowski, who along with his Patriot teammates was being honored for their recent Super Bowl victory, apologized to reporters, explaining, “Gronk do bad?”
Russia immediately placed its strategic intercontinental ballistic missile forces on “PutCon 5” a level last seen when Russian President Vladimir Putin had a brain aneurysm following pectoral implant surgery. The U.S. Air Force responded with a massive, service-wide erection.
The White House immediately announced a $13 billion contract to develop a system of protecting the nuclear launch codes that is “less 1950s-ish.”
Reports that Gronkowski was later seen partying with Russian prostitutes and sheets of paper covered in binary could not be confirmed.
“Gronk sad,” he told reporters.