STUTTGART, Germany – Displaying an astounding lack of verbal acuity, sources confirmed today that Pfc. Peter Miller vocally and emphatically incriminated his intellect before his peers, effectively invalidating all future opinions and predetermining as insipid all post hoc observations he might later pronounce.
With incredible alacrity and candor, Miller’s realization that a fellow soldier hailed from Miller’s own Wisconsin led him to exclaim, “Wow, that’s so ironic!” The Badger State is coincidentally home to 5.7 million other Americans.
“Oh, I was going to say it’d be really ironic if you were from Milwaukee, too, but I guess that would just be too bemusing,” Miller reportedly blathered. “Irregardless, it’s great to meet another cheesehead!”
Prattling on about how Milwaukee’s Best is “an ‘unpalating’ disgrace to [his] hometown” and the beverage of choice for “uneducated Cretans,” and something about Aaron Rodgers “pulling a three-sixty” and leading the Packers to a Super Bowl victory next year, Miller’s woefully ignorant and laughably feeble grasp of his mother tongue cemented his benighted status as a bovine ignoramus undeserving of any form of rapt attention.
“Hey, do you know Joe Anderson from Granville?” Miller asked obliviously, before being completely tuned out and forever relegated to utter irrelevancy.